My Publication Journey : (not so much a journey – more of a donkey ride). 28 May 2025

My lovely publisher Fly on the Wall Press asked me to write a short piece on 'my publication journey.' Here is the piece I sent them ...




I was fifty eight years old when my first proper novel was published. So it must have quite a journey then.

Well – not so much.

My problem was a supreme lack of confidence. I never believed anyone would want to read my stories. So I wrote them, and I put them in a drawer, and no one ever saw them. Not even my family. Eventually, one by one, I lost them. A novella about a genetically modified marathon runner. A novel about a brotherhood of monks who happen to be immortal. A half-finished book about a brush salesman who finds himself hailed as a new messiah. A novel in a similar vein about a student doctor who gets sent back in time to first century Israel to document the life of Jesus, but cannot find him. Anywhere. He trawls Jerusalem and Galilee looking. One day he uses his twenty-first century medical skills to resuscitate a man in a coma whose body is being prepared for burial. And later to save the life of a child. Oops. ‘I’m not the messiah,’ he tells people. But it’s too late. Already he has a set of disciples.  And you get the idea from there.  A set of short stories. A novella about the last living tiger ‘Claws’ who has huntsmen clamouring to shoot him. Not all of these were ever finished, some petered out halfway through, but all are dust now. 

It's tough, you see, when novel-writing is your calling. If you’re a painter you can show your painting to a thousand people in a single afternoon. They will look at it for twenty-five seconds (that’s the average time apparently). It isn’t asking much of anyone to find twenty-five seconds to appreciate your picture. But a novel asks more. So very much more. For a novel I want a week of your time – for two hours a day. Frankly I never had the nerve to ask that.

But of course I did get published. And that is the next part of the journey. I wrote a non-fiction book (The Good Zoo Guide). I parcelled up the manuscript and posted it to Harper Collins and they phoned me at 9:00 AM the next morning to say they would have it. Gosh. I never thought it would be that easy. In trepidation I sent them a novel – ‘Daughters of Artemis,’ a sci-fi tale about a world populated only by women. They didn’t want it. So I self-published it, barely mentioned it to anyone, and it is still out there somewhere selling about ten copies a year – presumably to people who buy it by mistake.

Then one day in my mid forties I sat at my laptop and wrote a first line. The line was, ‘I am Maximillian Zygmer Quentin Kavadis John Cabwhill Teller. My name includes every one of the letters of the Roman alphabet with the exception of the letter F. My father, it seems, took exception to F.‘ I had no idea what this story was going to be about. I just wanted to start it. Then I discovered that the name lacked a P. So he became Maximilian Ponder.  He became a man who had locked himself away to catalogue his own brain.

Well, writing was only a hobby. The Notable Brain of Maximilian Ponder took me about five years to write. Once it was done, I hid it away; as usual. But three years later I came across it on my hard drive and I sent a copy to my son, Jon, who by now was working as a journalist with the BBC. What did he think of it? Of course he told me he liked it. ‘You must send it away Dad,’ he urged me. But I didn’t. Not for two years. All the same, he pestered, so one day, on impulse I emailed three literary agents with the manuscript. And I guess the rest is history. There was a publishers’ auction, I sold the book to Orion for a six-figure sum, and it went on to get short-listed for the Costa.  

There is a moral to this story for young writers (or even for old ones). First – be patient. Your first novel may not be your masterpiece. It probably won’t be (unless you are Harper Lee or Mary Shelley.)  But writing is a craft. The more hours you spend writing, the better you get at it. It’s no different in this respect from playing piano. So go on writing. Enjoy it. Treat it as a hobby, as a way to unwind. Don’t nurture any great ambitions. Lots of people play piano without ever setting foot on a concert stage. If you don’t enjoy the writing, then readers won’t enjoy the reading. So do it because you love it. Because you have to. Because something inside you makes you do it. Second, when you have a novel that you are genuinely proud of – show it to someone you trust. Take advice. And if you both truly believe in it, then go out and look for a publisher or an agent. Don’t wait as long as I did.

But if you do wait as long as I did – well that’s not a bad thing either. Because by now you will know how to write.

Good luck. And good writing.

John


 

Earth Day 2025: What do we have to do to save the planet?

 



For Earth Day 2025, my brilliant publisher Isabelle asked me if I might make a video on what I thought we (i.e. humanity) need to do to save the planet. Well it just so happens that I've been thinking a lot about this very subject. I've been writing a book ('The Climate Crisis Picture Book') along with a very talented illustrator, Jemma Pentney, and one of the graphics that we created is a chart to show all the jigsaw pieces we might need if we are to stop adding 37.4 billion tonnes of CO2 to the atmosphere every year. It isn't easy to do justice to this in just 5 minutes. But here is my attempt. This might be the most important thing I ever post. But only if people watch it, I suppose. Feel free to share it. Or to comment.  Thank you. 




 

THE WAGER AND THE BEAR TEASER TRAILER

 


Here's a little teaser trailer we made for 'The Wager and the Bear.' It did rather well on TikTok. Over 39 thousand views to date. Do let me know if you enjoy it... It did involve walking into the sea at Hoylake on 2nd February this year. And it probably cost me a suit. Oh well ...




 

The Inauguration Speech that could Save the World (... if only ...)

My fellow Americans … and my fellow citizens of Planet Earth. Today I want to address you all. We are all one people. We may live in different parts of the globe. We may speak different languages. We may worship different gods—or no god at all. We may have leaders who don’t always agree with one another. We may have voted in support of ideas that did not win out at the ballot box, or we may live in parts of the world where our voices are not heard. But despite all of this, we all share just one home. Just one planet. This planet has been the home for humanity for more than twelve thousand generations. We have no other home, and we never will have. And now, for the first time in our history, for the first time in our planet’s history, it falls to just one generation, and one generation alone, our generation, to make sure that this beautiful, bountiful, extraordinary world can remain a sustainable, hospitable home for the next thousand years and beyond.

We know. All of us know. We know the damage we have done to our home. We are entering an era of Fire and Flood, of Heat and Famine. We human beings have already inflicted changes on our world that we know are irreversible. Our planet is warmer than it has been for centuries. Ice caps are melting. The climate is in crisis.  We see the fires in California. We see floods. We see droughts. We see the shrinking of forests and the growth of deserts and the melting of the ice caps that keep our planet cool.  Our descendants are going to live with the fallout from these changes perhaps for millennia to come.  But we do have an opportunity, a narrow and tantalising opportunity, to rein back some of the harm we have done, and maybe even to reverse some of the things that are reversible.

My fellow citizens, this will not be easy. This may be the single most difficult challenge that has ever faced humankind. Difficult because it will demand compromise and change for every single one of us. Difficult because it will absolutely require every county, every state, every nation, and every leader to put aside their differences and work together. Difficult because there will be some who may still deny the urgent need for change. And doubly difficult because the solutions we need are enormous in scale, unlike anything we have ever seen before.

This is a new beginning for America and a new beginning for the world. From today, from this moment, we are all living in a new world order. Our lives will change, sometimes for the better, and sometimes in ways we would not necessarily choose. They will change whether we choose change or not. It will be better for us to seize this opportunity to drive the changes ourselves, then to wait to see what changes the climate might inflict upon us. I ask you now, as thinking caring beings, to be courageous and resilient in the times ahead. We do this, not for ourselves, not even for our children. We do this for our grandchildren, our great grandchildren, and for the next thousand generations of humans for whom this planet will always be their only home.

From today we, in America, will begin to enact huge changes in the way we use our planet. We will no longer subsidise fossil fuels in any form. We will instead start a program of steady increase in taxes on carbon fuels. There will be no ceiling on these taxes. Within a year these taxes will represent a 100% increase in prices. Within two years it will be 200%. And so they will rise. We will look to the ingenuity and enterprise of the market, of businesses and individuals to fill the demand vacated by carbon energy and I have no doubt at all that the demand will be satisfied by clean, cheap , plentiful energy.

My fellow citizens, I have more to ask of you than rising prices for dirty fuels. We will, today, start a programme to plant one trillion trees around the planet. We will look to the leaders of every county and every state to identify land for rewilding. And this is where we have a very tough decision to face. Half of the world’s habitable land is used for agriculture and eight out of every ten acres of this land is used to grow food for livestock. We need that land for trees and for biofuels. We need it to restore the wild, and to repair our climate. As a nation we must eat less meat, fewer eggs, less dairy. I am not insisting that everyone becomes vegan. But I am asking you, each one of you, to make a personal sacrifice and reduce significantly the livestock components of your diet. We will look for ways to make this change as voluntary as possible. We will find ways to subsidise farmers for growing trees and biofuels on land that once grew feed for livestock. One trillion trees can remove 400 billion tonnes of carbon out of the atmosphere—equivalent to more than 10 years of carbon emissions.

This is difficult for Americans. I know that. But Americans do not shirk our responsibilities. That is not our nature. For too many years our nation has been the world’s biggest polluter. We cannot allow future generations to blame our nation for the collapse of our climate. We will not turn our backs when we are called. We will do this. We will lead the world in new technologies for energy production, for carbon capture, for transport—just as we have always done. We will change our behaviour and our diets and our lifestyles not because anyone is making us, but because these are the right things to do, and we do the right things. That is what makes me proud to be an American, proud to lead this great nation.

But we are not alone. We will not be alone in this effort. I know that every leader in the free world would like to be standing and making this speech right now. Not one leader wants their nation to be the one that holds back this global effort. But it is harder for a leader of most countries to make this stand alone. We know, and you know, and they know, that there is only one country that can and must lead this effort and it is us. The United States of America. I cannot tell you how proud that makes me. So we will work with every nation on earth to make this happen. We will measure and track our progress and we will report to you how every nation steps up to the plate. Today I am calling for a new global security council. This council for the planet will seek representation from every country, representatives that must include climate scientists, biologists, engineers, and entrepreneurs. We will look to this new Council for the Planet to advise us all on the actions we must take, and we will take the actions they advise.

We know that every country will have different challenges. But we look to every country to demonstrate total commitment in words and in deeds to the climate rescue plan. I am confident, very confident, that nations around the world will join us within the next few weeks.

 And what if one country chooses denial? What if a single nation or a group of states decides that their individual interests are better served by ignoring the climate challenge. My fellow Americans I am here to tell you that any nation that follows this route will be no friend of America. I cannot imagine the United States trading, or dealing in any form at all with rogue states who choose to thwart the climate rescue plan.

My fellow citizens of Planet Earth. I call upon you all to make this day the first day in the most extraordinary communal programme of work our world will ever see. In years to come, as we each grow old, we will rejoice to have lived at this time, to have been a part of this great project, to have bequeathed to future generations a planet full of beauty and spectacle, to have saved countless lives, to have restored the climate that nurtures us all.  We embrace this challenge. And with every one of us behind it, we will succeed.

God bless the United States of America. God bless and save Planet Earth. 




 

A Moment that Changed my Life .. (not) 18 Dec 2024

 

I need to find a "moment" for a newspaper-column pitch, where my life changed. That’s the way the gig works you see. It’s called the moment that changed my life. My publisher, the brilliant 'Fly on the Wall Press' are keen for me to pitch a script and we'll figure out a way to tie it into the launch in February of 'The Wager and the Bear.' It's a great idea, but this is a tough call for a writer. Writers aren’t meant to have interesting lives. We are supposed to be slaves to our desks, hunched forever over our typewriters (OK … keyboards), gazing wistfully at a world beyond our windows. We don’t have adventures of our own. We are expected to invent them. That way, everyone can enjoy them.



Of course this hasn’t always been true. Literary history is strewn with hard-drinking, swash-buckling, law-breaking, jail-bird adventurers who somehow managed to find time to put pen to paper.  Hemmingway had a remarkably eventful life if you remember. I’ve seen the spot on the Nile River where he and Mary Welsh crashed their little Cessna plane and had to camp on the crocodile-infested riverbank. These days, guides on the Murchison-Falls tour-boats helpfully point the location out for you. There are still plenty of crocodiles, but the jeopardy is not quite the same. The day after the accident the Hemmingways crashed a second plane, and the great writer escaped only by smashing through the window with his head. Now that was a significant moment. I bet Hemmingway would have used that one. Kurt Vonnegut was captured by the Germans during the Battle of the Bulge, and he survived the fire-bombing of Dresden by hiding in a meat locker. He'd have had no trouble with this column. Günter Grass served in the Waffen-SS and got taken prisoner by the Americans. George Orwell fought in the Spanish civil war where he got shot in the throat by a sniper. Significant, life-changing moments all.  And it is difficult to imagine these writers producing their masterpieces without these experiences.

I’m just not sure I can match any of these. I once spent a night in a French prison (don’t ask) but it hardly compares with John Bunyan who was imprisoned for twelve years for preaching without a license, or Dostoevsky’s four gruelling years in a Siberian prison camp for meeting in a bar with other intellectuals to discuss utopian socialism. You have to hope the beer was good. Primo Levi survived a year in Auschwitz. Solzhenitsyn spent eight years in the Gulag for criticizing Stalin. Henri Charrière got sent to a brutal penal colony in French Guiana in 1931. He escaped and wrote ‘Papillion.’  

I’m not sure whether to pity or envy the experience of these writers. They certainly knew how to turn their life changing moments into good stories. And when writers couldn’t find time for adventure, they could often claim a tough childhood. Dickens had to leave school at the age of twelve to work in a boot-polish factory because his father was in a debtor’s prison. Mark Twain also had to finish school at twelve. He went off to be a riverboat pilot on the Mississippi. That must have been eventful. Maya Angelou was abused by her mother's boyfriend at the age of seven and she didn’t speak for almost five years. James Joyce grew up in poverty. So did Edgar Allen Poe. So did Frank McCourt. And Tennessee Williams. And Rousseau. And Robert Burns. And Orwell. And Jack London. And D.H.Lawrence. JK Rowling faced hardship as a single mother living on the breadline. Sylvia Plath battled depression. Virginia Woolf struggled with her mental health. It makes you wonder if fortitude and a talent with words go hand in hand.   

I can’t really claim a life-changing moment like any of these writers. I can’t boast a difficult upbringing and I’ve never had to buckle a load of swash. I once saw a Javan rhino. That’s a rare thing. I had a holiday job counting elephants in Tsavo. I met Idi Amin in a bar and he bought me a drink. I drove across the Sahara in a Renault 5. I played Laertes in a school production of Hamlet. I was part of a team that broke the world record for speed-reading Shakespeare. But somehow, I don’t think any of these things will feature in my obituary. None of them changed my life. Not really.

So I’m going to have to keep on thinking. If I ever get the gig I shall post it here. 

AI Illustrates 'The Wager and the Bear': Part Two - Chapters 7-13

 Here we go with some more of the weird and wonderful creations of OpenArt.AI illustrating chapters from 'The Wager and the Bear.' Some are good. Some are , er, less good. One is amazing. I'll let you decide.

Chapter 7: Tom and Monty meet in Greenland. This could be perfect if they didn't look like Russian cosmonauts from 1970. It kind of works though ... I think. 



Chapter 8: We're back in St Piran. It isn't quite how I imagine the path up to the church. And where does that lower path lead? But the church itself and the headland are reasonably Cornish.


Chapter 9: Almost perfect. Menacing and dark. The storm in St Piran


Chapter 10: It's another one in Tintin style. There's no motor on the boat, and Ilse should be younger, but let's not be picky. 




Chapter 11: Now we're doing it. Monty and Tom set off across the ice. Lovely.


Chapter 12: I have to admit it. This picture of Benny and Lacey Shaunessey is my favourite one of all. That's them. It really is. Go Benny!



Chapter 13: Let's be careful not to reveal too much. Welcome to the ice cave ...




So what do you think? Let me know. I'll post more in few weeks.



AI Illustrates 'The Wager and the Bear': Chapters 1 - 6 (11 October 2024)


 

Writers are forever looking for ways to generate interest in our books, and publishers are always keen to encourage us. So I had this idea for 'The Wager and the Bear' (which comes out in paperback in German on 31 October and in English on 21 February). I thought I might ask an AI image generator to have a go at illustrating the chapters, and if it worked, I could bash these out on social media.

Well, my expectations weren't especially high. But it has been a fascinating and generally instructive exercise. If you have read the book  (it is already available in German and Italian editions) you might like to compare the illustrations with your own impressions of the scenes they represent.

(For anyone who wants to have a go at this, by the way, I'm using Openart.AI )

Above is Chapter One. Tom arrives in St Piran, beautifully illustrated in watercolour. I like this. The village isn't quite right and the sky is a bit too gray. But the general impression is good. 

Here is Chapter Two:


So my brilliant editor, Sarah Jayne, says Monty is too tall here. Perhaps he is. But I rather like the sense of foreboding, don't you?

Chapter 3: AI really struggled with this. I must have tried over twenty variations of prompt to get here and it still doesn't feel right. So I shall cheat and give you two versions - the oil painting and the Tintin versions. I can't choose between them. 



Chapter 4 was almost perfect. It is done in a kind of Japanese watercolour style - and it really speaks to me about Tom's and Lykke's meet-cute encounter on the harbour at sunrise. I love this one. 




For Chapter 5 I chose an impasto oil painting style - and I like this too. What do you think?


 

In Chapter 6 Monty goes to meet the new Prime Minister. Here he is looking suitably shifty.



I'll post another set of chapter illustrations in a few weeks. It has been a rather fun exercise, and I am still working through them. Sarah Jayne has warned me no to give too much away. I shall try to follow her advice. Watch this space ...




Landfill (a poem): 10th Sept 2024

 I've never posted a poem before. But then I thought, hey, why not? So here are some lines I wrote last night. Landfill.


That brand new coffee maker in its box

The pedal bike you sometimes get to ride

The Merry-Christmas-music-playing socks

The blanket chest that someone left outside

The candelabra and the cordless drill

The painting of a piglet in a sty

The matching set of cases

And the shoes that lost their laces

And the bucket with a hole

And the little plastic troll

Well they’ll all end up in landfill

Yes they’ll all end up in landfill, yes

they’ll all end up in landfill by and by

 

The 3D television

That was wholly your decision

You couldn’t quite envision

Why it gathered such derision

But one thing you can very clearly say

It will end up in a landfill one fine day

The foot spa and the heated hostess tray

The banjo and the yellow plastic sleigh

The printer that always seemed to jam

The winter coat, the retro children’s pram,

The assegai, the ink supply,

The faded regimental tie

They’ll all end up in landfill

Yes they’ll all end up in landfill, yes

they’ll all end up in landfill by and by

 

Well there may be little trinkets hidden somewhere in your home

That might survive the disregard of others yet to come

There might be space on a junkshop shelf

For those dumbbell weights

Or that Christmas elf

But don’t expect the future to

Make room for plastic caribou

Or that trendy bomber jacket

That cost a blooming packet

Or those solar lights or stunter kites

Or cricket whites

Or body tights

Say what you will, yet they will still

Go in the spill … and why?

Because they all end up in landfill by and by.

 

The green enamel shower tray

That didn’t match the loo

The tangled box of cables where you don’t know what they do

The hardened glue, the leaky shoe,

The shirt you wore for that interview,

The microwave, the aftershave

The wristband from the Oxford rave

The bass guitar the pull up bar

The items from the school bazaar

Their days now surely numbered are

You’ll load them one day in the car

And drive them to the local tip

And chuck them gladly in the skip

Where unloved things are left to die

And off they go to landfill

Yes off they go to landfill

For they’ll all end up in landfill by and by.

 

Every carpet ever woven

Every fridge and every oven

Every book and every toy

Every box of Christmas joy

Every single DVD

And every tiny bonsai tree

And every leather backed settee

And every helium balloon

And every card that plays a tune

And every tool in ever shed

And every mattress, every bed

Every strimmer, every mower,

Every useless autumn blower,

Every screw and every nail

And every package through the mail

And everything you’ll ever buy

They don’t have long before they lie

Lost, abandoned and forgotten

Deep in landfills dank and rotten

No one there to wish them all goodbye

For all of them ..  and me and you

When all our days on earth are through

will all end up in landfill

Yes we’ll all end up in landfill, yes

we’ll all end up in landfill by and by.



"How terribly strange to be seventy ..." July 2024

In case you don’t recognise the quotation … it’s from the song, ‘Bookends’ by Simon and Garfunkel from the album of the same name. The full stanza is: ‘Can you imagine us years from today, sharing a park bench quietly?  How terribly strange to be seventy.’  I have often thought about that line – especially in the past few weeks as I passed my own seven-decade milestone.  ‘How terribly strange …’

But here’s the thing. And I hope this is a welcome reassurance to anyone reading this who still has a way to go before reaching the dreaded birthday. It isn’t strange at all.  Seventy is normal. There’s nothing to look at here. I’m living my normal life. I’ve a new novel coming out next year and one already in the blocks following behind. I’ve finished the manuscript for a book I’m calling, ‘The Climate Crisis Picture Book.’  I’ve been walking the Offa’s Dyke Path with Sue and with friends. I’ve been on the zip wire at Blaenau Ffestiniog. I still go to rock concerts. I still travel. According to the Stepz app on my phone I walked  4.7 million steps in 2023 which works out as around 13,000 steps a day. And I don’t say this to brag, I say it because every seventy-year-old I know (and I know a few) would tell you much the same thing. I couldn’t imagine sharing a park bench quietly with any of them.

A week or so ago a whole crowd of my family and my very good friends ambushed me with a surprise party. It was a genuine surprise. It was lovely. We partied into the night. I love every single one of them for being there and for keeping the secret and for being such amazing people. I was too shocked and unprepared to give a proper speech, but if I had I’d have told them every day of our lives is a precious gift. And don’t be afraid of seventy. It’s ok. For me, seventy is the same as fifty but with problem feet.

The album ‘Bookends’ came out in 1968. Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel were 26 years old when they recorded it. Of course they thought seventy would be terribly strange. When you’re 26 even 30 is pretty strange. Today they are 82. Older than Joe Biden. I bet they think differently now.  I do.   




The Wager and the Bear: COVER REVEAL 28 June 2024

 

I'm excited to reveal this gorgeous cover from the drawing board and extraordinary imagination of Edward Bettison. Even more exciting, it is ready to pre-order. Just click the link below. If you pre-order I will personally drive a copy to your house with a chocolate cake, prosecco and a real live polar bear*. (*Note: this offer depends upon the availability of a live bear. Also this promise may have been made by a fiction writer and you know how truthful they are).  Please let me know if you like the cover. And check out my website:  https:///www.johnironmonger.com  for more news. 






Announcing the Polish edition of 'The Whale at the End of the World' 17 June 2024

 


I'm excited to announce that my novel 'Not Forgetting the Whale' will launch today in Poland as 'Wieloryb i Koniec Swiata.' Thanks to the great team at Relacja. We've had fun this week filming bits for the trailer. Thanks to Sue who did some of the filming, and to Jenny and Graham who helped us find a great beach, and to Jon who filmed the pub scenes and stitched it all together. Here's the trailer ...

How many giraffes were on the ark? (and other musings) [22nd April 2024]

So how many giraffes do you think there were on Noah’s ark? (By the way you don’t have to believe in Noah or his ark to answer this. It is a theoretical question. You only need some familiarity with the mythology.) I’m asking because this is a question that pops up in my novella ‘The Year of the Dugong’ and the answer sheds an interesting light on our knowledge (or lack of it) of the natural world. Stay with me …





 Start, if you can, by imagining an illustration of Noah’s Ark – the kind you might find in a children’s book. Like the one I’m using here. An artist with this commission is ridiculously spoiled for choice. There are a million or so animals available to populate the picture. But since most of those million creatures would be rather inappropriate for an ark – including fish, bugs, worms, and myriads of sea-creatures, let’s limit the scope to land mammals, reptiles, and flightless birds. This would offer around fifteen thousand pairs of animals for our illustrator to choose for the ark. Yet despite this, you may have noticed, one pair of animals nearly always makes an appearance – giraffes. No respectable ark is complete without them. Just two of them. But here is the thing. Two giraffes are not enough. There are, you see, depending upon whom you ask, either four, six, or eight, or even nine different giraffes. Noah would have been remiss in his duties if he didn’t take eighteen. You don’t often see eighteen giraffes on Noah Ark. But perhaps you should.

It might surprise you to learn that a giraffe is not always a giraffe – or rather that two giraffes randomly admitted onto an ark might not necessarily be the same. We are used to using the one word, ‘giraffe’ to describe them all. But that’s our laziness or our ignorance, not a recognition of reality. The four species most zoologists agree upon are the Masai giraffe, the northern giraffe, the reticulated giraffe (sometimes called the Somali giraffe), and the southern giraffe. It isn’t all that difficult to tell them apart. The reticulated giraffe, for example, has a rather distinctive pattern. It doesn’t have spots. It has a kind of continuous, smooth, white line on a nutty brown, almost orange background, creating large and slightly irregular polygons, like something drawn by a graphic designer during a coffee break. The Masai giraffe is a whole lot darker, and its pattern is blotchy. It has smaller markings that are sometimes described as ‘star shaped’ but are more like the kinds of explosion-shapes you get in comic books. The northern giraffe looks something like the reticulated giraffe, but with smaller markings and a wider white line. You can spot a northern giraffe because its pattern ends at the knee (which is not strictly a knee, but you know what I mean). The southern giraffe is lighter – often very pale – with spots on the lower legs.  

And there could be more. There are zoologists out there who insist that the northern giraffe is not one species, but three; these people are cheerleaders for the Kordofan giraffe which lives in hard-to-get-to places like Chad and the Central African Republic, the Western giraffe (mostly confined to Niger), and the Nubian giraffe which lives in East Africa but isn’t really happy there. Equally the southern giraffe might be two species –the Angolan giraffe, and the South African giraffe. Which would give us eight.

This is all rather confusing, and somewhat unexpected. This is the Twenty First Century after all. Surely, we know how many species of giraffe there are? But no. It seems we don’t. The fact is, while zoologists can get very worked up about identifying species, giving them names, describing them in guide-books and so on, nature itself tends to get on with things in a much more messy way, content to leave the cataloguing up to us. Most dictionaries define a ‘species’ broadly, or approximately, as ‘a group of living organisms consisting of similar individuals capable of interbreeding,’ and this is an important definition because the idea of a species is a fundamental concept in biology, in the same way, perhaps, as an element is in chemistry, or a date is in history. A species should be something with hard boundaries, about which we can all agree. But take a look again at that definition. ‘Similar’ is a rather vague word to have in a dictionary definition. Is a reticulated giraffe similar to a Masai giraffe? Well yes. Tourists might see both in parts of Kenya and not be aware they’ve seen two different giraffes. But can they interbreed? Now this is harder to establish. We know from studies of giraffe genes that the four species described above have not exchanged genetic material for over a million years. But this doesn’t mean they couldn’t. Maybe they have been separated geographically for so long they haven’t had the opportunity to try. Perhaps if Noah found two frisky, fecund giraffes – one reticulated and the other, say, a Nubian – they might be persuaded to breed. This isn’t an experiment we can readily carry out, and even if we could, there are powerful ethical arguments that would (and should) prevent us. But even if we were, somehow, to cross a Masai and a Nubian giraffe, it wouldn’t necessarily mean they were the same species.

Consider the lion and the tiger. No one would dispute these are different, very distinct species. Yet there exists an animal known as a ‘liger’ which is the offspring of a female tiger and a male lion. (A ‘tigon’ is a similar thing where the parents are the other way around). Ligers and tigons only exist in captivity, and no evidence has ever been found that lions and tigers have ever interbred in the wild (even though their ranges cross in parts of India). We know from genetic studies that lions don’t have tiger genes, or vice versa. There was once an assumption that these liger and tigon hybrids would always be infertile in the way that mules are (a mule is a cross between a horse and a donkey), but this doesn’t seem to be the case. In 2012 a Siberian zoo successfully bred a ‘liliger’ which is the offspring of a lion and a liger.

So where does this leave us? Are lions and tigers the same species or not?

On 11th July 1978, shortly after nine in the morning, a 22 year old Asian elephant called Sheba, who had been behaving rather strangely, surprised her keepers at Chester Zoo in the north of England by delivering a calf. The only bull elephant Sheba had encountered for well over two years had been a rather temperamental African elephant known as Jumbolino or ‘Bubbles.’ No one had expected an Asian elephant and an African elephant to be able to interbreed. The calf, called ‘Motty’ (after George Mottershead the founder of Chester Zoo), had ears like an African elephant, but just one ‘trunk finger’ like an Asian elephant. A day later the baby elephant was on his feet and bottle feeding, and within four days Sheba was feeding him normally. Sadly he didn’t survive very much longer. He died of septicaemia aged just ten days, but there is no reason to think he couldn’t have lived for very much longer – perhaps even a full elephant lifespan.

As you’d expect, these are by no means the only animal hybrids, or even the best known. The world of hybrid animals is characterised by an apparent desire to mangle a name for the new creature out of the names of the parents. So we have zeedonks (zebra and donkey), jaglions (jaguar and lion … although surely jagons would be more conventional), grolar bears (grizzly bear and polar bear), and even camas (camel and llama). There was once a fashion for creating such animals, although most zoos would look dimly on such an idea these days.

But perhaps the real surprise should not be that some animals can be persuaded to interbreed, but rather that so few do, and especially that this hardly ever happens without our encouragement. It seems that the word species might need a bit more definition. Perhaps we should redefine it as ‘a group of living organisms consisting of similar individuals capable of interbreeding, and generally disinclined to breed with any other species.’

This is important because the whole idea of the species is so fundamental to zoology. So while we are about it, shall we dispose of some of the other words people often use when they try to talk about a species? Let’s kick off with breed. I can’t tell you how irritated it makes me when I hear someone call, say, a chimpanzee, a breed of monkey. To begin with a chimp isn’t a monkey – it’s an ape. More importantly a breed is something we humans create. We breed dogs for hunting or for fetching or for pampering and the resulting specimens we call a breed – cocker spaniels, German shepherds, French poodles – these are all breeds. Throw them together and they would have no hesitation in creating all manner of cross breeds, and these are breeds too whether or not they are recognised and named by the Kennel Club or anyone else for that matter. We have breeds of sheep, of cattle, of domestic cats, but we don’t have breeds of giraffe or chimpanzees. While we’re on the subject of breeds, we could throw in varieties. I have heard this word used too when the speaker clearly meant species. You can have varieties within a species. Some people have red hair, others are dark. Some giraffes are taller than others. Variety is the motor for evolution, but varieties are not taxonomically significant – which is to say they don’t affect the way we classify or name animals or plants. Variety is often used by breeders to describe variations within a breed, and they can be given names of their own – especially with plants. Any competent horticulturalist can create new varieties of say, roses, by selecting seeds with the characteristics they would like to see. Mix and match, and a couple of generations later, hey presto, a rose named after your grandmother. That’s a variety.      

So having cleared that one up, let’s turn our attention to a much more slippery word. In a park in Williamstown, Kentucky, about an hour’s drive south of Cincinnati, you will find a very curious tourist attraction. Ark Encounter is a building designed to look like … well, an ark, albeit an ark on land. Apparently built to the dimensions provided in the book of Genesis, it’s aim is to convince us that Noah was a real historical figure and his ark was a proper boat, and that, guess what, he did indeed sail away in a flood with two of every kind of animal, and there on board to help prove the point are models of hundreds of animals including dinosaurs and even a couple of unicorns. But did you notice the contentious word? Kind. This is the word that enables Ark Encounter to get away without providing sixteen or eighteen giraffes, or six thousand snakes, or seven hundred thousand beetles. Their website explains it like this: “Species is a term used in the modern classification system. The Bible uses the term “kind.” The created kind was a much broader category than the modern term of classification, species.”

There. With a single judicious use of an ambiguous word translated roughly by seventeenth century scholars in England from a seventh century Greek translation of a bronze age Hebrew manuscript, Ark Encounter are able to sweep away a thousand years of biological science. This is very convenient for creationists. They no longer have to house loads of giraffes on the ark. Two will do. A website called ‘Answers in Genesis’ goes even further; it argues that the giraffes on the ark not only became the ancestors of all of today’s giraffes, but also of okapis, and a host of now extinct creatures. (That sounds suspiciously like evolution to me but let’s not be too provocative.) The Answers in Genesis site goes as far as proving us with a picture of what the giraffes on the ark might have looked like. They label the picture ‘Shansitherium.’

There is no point really trying to argue with this. Creationists will believe what they want to believe. But can the rest of us please agree that the word ‘kind’ does not belong in any discussion of taxonomy. And while we’re about it, can we dispose of another contentious word: race. Race might once have been a useful (but informal) term in biology to describe a genetically distinct population of individuals within the same species, but the word has become hijacked by disagreements within our own species, so I would suggest we set it aside completely. Along with the word ‘strain.’ There may be races and strains of giraffes – there probably are – but I don’t imagine even God expected Noah to collect every variation or every strain of giraffe on the ark. If he had there wouldn’t have been room for anything else.   

Now here’s another tricky word. Subspecies. The idea of the subspecies can feel like a rather helpful way for zoologists to avoid too many disagreements. We tend to call a group of animals a subspecies when we find them in a different area with particular differences in size, shape, or other characteristics, even though we might suspect that the different subspecies can probably interbreed. You might have read about the imminent extinction of the Northern white rhino. There are only two known individuals of this subspecies still alive. Both are female, so sadly this is almost certainly the end for the Northern white rhino. The two rhinos are called Najin and Fatu. They live in the Ol Pejeta Conservancy in Kenya where they are protected by armed guards. When they go it will undoubtedly be a great loss. But there is a sense that the loss of a subspecies is less of a tragedy than the loss of a species. Northern and Southern white rhinos have been living separately for at least half a million years, but the differences that are visible to us are subtle, and you would need to be an expert in rhino morphology to confidently tell them apart. There may be other differences, of course, that are not visible, and this might lead us to wonder if there are more rhino subspecies than the ones we know. This could also be true of giraffes. Noah would surely have had quite a challenge to untangle this. But the key point for us, and for Noah is this: if you have two subspecies that haven't interbred for half a million years, you do need to put both on the ark. Sorry. Remember that according to Bishop Ussher the flood that floated the ark was in 2349 BC, just 4,373 years ago - a blink of an eye in evolutionary terms. (Not really long enough by the way for a giraffe to evolve into an okapi but I did promise not to be provocative.)  The IUCN (the International Union for the Conservation of Nature) who are the arbiters of these things, officially recognises nine subspecies of giraffe. Here they are in the illustration below (happily a royalty-free image: thank you Alamy).   



 So the answer to our original question (memo to Mr Noah) appears to be eighteen giraffes. We have to hope the ceilings on the ark were high. 

But there is a follow-on question. Why don’t we all know this? Why don't illustrators of the ark know this? Why isn’t this taught in schools? How is it that we can identify soccer strips and car marques and fashion logos but we can only collectively identify one giraffe? We knowledgeably and assertively distinguish grape varieties and wine labels and cheeses and breeds of dog, but if you ask one hundred people what species of rhinos still walk the earth, most, I fear, wouldn’t know. (There are five, white rhinos, black rhinos, Indian rhinos, Javan rhinos, and Sumatran rhinos). Why does this matter? Well if we can’t tell animals apart, we won’t mourn them when we lose them. That is why this matters. As Toby Markham says in 'The Year of the Dugong:'  

"Do you know how many moths there are in Suffolk? How many species? Probably over two thousand. And how many people do you think could identify a single moth? Just one species?’ Toby raised a finger. He paused to look at the silent crowd. ‘I doubt if one person in a hundred could do that. So, if no one can identify even a single moth, how many people are going to notice if two thousand species of moths become one thousand? Or one hundred? How many people are really going to care?’

Natural history is becoming a dying art. That’s sad. I don't expect people to identify two thousand moths. But more people ought to know how many moths there are. Because if we don't care, then one by one they will surely go. And so will the Northern white rhino. And one day there may really only be a single species of giraffe. That's heartbreaking.  


Check out my website: www.johnironmonger.com 

The Wager and the Bear [Posted 29th Feb 2024]

 


It's leap-year day so I have an announcement. My climate-crisis novel, 'The Wager and the Bear,' is to be published by Fly on the Wall Books, a northern based publisher-with-a-conscience who specialise in books that might raise awareness of political or climate issues. I love this publisher very much and I can't think of a better home for 'The Wager and the Bear.'   Do please follow me on social media for announcements closer to publication date, or check out my website https://www.johnironmonger.com/  and I'll let you know when it is ready to pre-order.

It isn't a heavy polemical novel. It's simply a good old adventure yarn and a romance but it is quite clearly set against the backdrop of a slow, unfolding global crisis. Oh ... and there is a bear ...  



Check out my website: www.johnironmonger.com 

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE 21 Jan 2024

 


I don't want to jinx this because I know a lot of water has to flow under the bridge between the day you sign up with a studio and the day you buy a cinema ticket to see the finished film ... but all the same I can't resist this little teaser. This is probably all I'm allowed to reveal. Apart from saying that the team behind the movie are utterly awesome. But I will post updates whenever I can. Watch this space ... 


One Step away from the Precipice: Climate Change in Fiction [Posted 20 Nov 2023]

 This was my article yesterday in La Repubblica - Italy's biggest newspaper. The title translates as 'One Step from the Cliff' - and it is an artcle about climate change in fiction, and about my novel 'The Wager and the Bear' (Soon to be published in English I hope). 


Here is the translation of the text:

David Bowie had a remarkable talent for writing songs that could conjure up a story. It is impossible to listen to ‘Space Oddity’ without imagining Major Tom, sitting in a tin-can, drifting forever into space.  But the Bowie song that stays with me most is ‘Five Years’. It tells a very simple story. News has reached us that the earth has only five years left. The planet is dying. In the song, the newsreader weeps. All around the market square people lose their minds.

What would it be like, I have often wondered, if we really were told this news? If a solemn news report, backed by all the world’s serious scientists, was to tell us we were running out of time? How would we react?

Well we now know the answer to this question. Newsreaders wouldn’t weep. No one would go crazy. We would ignore the danger and carry on with our lives as if nothing had changed. We know this because this is what we do. Every few months the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) produces a new report telling us the planet is running out of time. Every year the COP climate change conference makes dire predictions. Every year we learn that the previous year was the hottest on record. We watch forest fires in Canada and Brazil. We see dramatic floods, powerful storms, devastating droughts. We watch the collapse of animal populations. World leaders fly in and out of conferences. They make vague promises. But very little changes. And the world continues to die.   

The challenge seems to be a failure of human imagination. Perhaps it is the timescale. If the world was doomed in just five years, we might be more alarmed. If it was an asteroid hurtling towards us, we might make a real global effort to find a solution. But climate change seems to be a long unfolding tragedy. We are like passengers in a slow-motion train crash. The train is heading for a precipice, and all the pieces are in place for a terrible disaster, but everything is moving so slowly we stop worrying.  

All this presents a particular problem for story tellers. Climate change is the biggest story of our time, yet very few novelists are ready to grapple with this. Ten centuries from now, if humanity is still around, I suspect historians will only be interested in one story from our generation - how we responded (or failed to respond) to this existential threat to the planet. Science fiction, in general, has done us rather a disservice here. Writers have sold us either Mad Max-style desert dystopias, or impossible tales of starships taking survivors to new green planets. What we don’t have are real world stories that could help us to imagine the kind of earth we are creating.  And that is a shame, because imagination is what we need, now more than ever.

Once again, timescales seem to be the challenge. Novelists need a central protagonist with whom readers can identify. This character needs to have a story arc, and human dramas are typically too short for climate change to feature very much. There is a second problem too.  It is hard to imagine any character playing anything but a very minor role in what is a huge global drama. No one is going to step forward like Bruce Willis and save the world. For a writer, that is an unhelpful backdrop. We do not like to set up a jeopardy for our characters, without giving them some way to fight back. But how do you fight back against a warming planet?

In ‘L’Orso Polare e una Scomessa Chiamata Futuro’ (The Wager and the Bear) I hope I may have found a way to navigate a little around these two problems. The narrative unfolds over a whole human lifetime, and the central characters are front-seat observers of the climate disaster. The story involves two young men. One, Monty, is a politician. He is a climate change-denier. He lives in a grand house on the beach in Cornwall. He has a splendid lifestyle, and like so many of us in the slow-motion train crash, he doesn’t see the precipice approaching. The second man, Tom, is a climate scientist and campaigner. One drunken night, over too many glasses of cider in the local inn, the two men get into a quarrel. It ends with a deadly wager. In fifty years, either the sea will rise enough to drown Monty in his home, or Tom will accept the jeopardy himself, and will walk into the sea and drown. A video of the wager, posted online, goes viral. How will it all work out?

Well we have fifty years for the story to unfold. The lives of the two men cross several times, leading them both onto a melting glacier, and ultimately onto an iceberg floating down the coast of Greenland where their only companion is a hungry bear.  

The story is not entirely without hope. It is set against the backdrop of a campaign to restore some of what the world has lost. Neither Monty nor Tom can save the world. But there is at least hope, as well as despair.  

Climate change doesn’t have to be front and centre in contemporary fiction. But we shouldn’t be ignoring it either. As writers we have a responsibility, sometimes, to make the future seem real. We are hurtling towards a world of human-made disasters, of dying oceans, of rising seas, of failing harvests, of droughts, of economic collapse, and of climate-driven conflicts. We cannot ignore these things. If these aren’t part of our fictional landscape now, then they need to be.  Otherwise one day we may find we have just five years left. And it won’t just be the news readers weeping. 


Check out my website: www.johnironmonger.com 




My Publication Journey : (not so much a journey – more of a donkey ride). 28 May 2025

My lovely publisher Fly on the Wall Press asked me to write a short piece on 'my publication journey.' Here is the piece I sent the...