How many giraffes were on the ark? (and other musings) [22nd April 2024]

So how many giraffes do you think there were on Noah’s ark? (By the way you don’t have to believe in Noah or his ark to answer this. It is a theoretical question. You only need some familiarity with the mythology.) I’m asking because this is a question that pops up in my novella ‘The Year of the Dugong’ and the answer sheds an interesting light on our knowledge (or lack of it) of the natural world. Stay with me …





 Start, if you can, by imagining an illustration of Noah’s Ark – the kind you might find in a children’s book. Like the one I’m using here. An artist with this commission is ridiculously spoiled for choice. There are a million or so animals available to populate the picture. But since most of those million creatures would be rather inappropriate for an ark – including fish, bugs, worms, and myriads of sea-creatures, let’s limit the scope to land mammals, reptiles, and flightless birds. This would offer around fifteen thousand pairs of animals for our illustrator to choose for the ark. Yet despite this, you may have noticed, one pair of animals nearly always makes an appearance – giraffes. No respectable ark is complete without them. Just two of them. But here is the thing. Two giraffes are not enough. There are, you see, depending upon whom you ask, either four, six, or eight, or even nine different giraffes. Noah would have been remiss in his duties if he didn’t take eighteen. You don’t often see eighteen giraffes on Noah Ark. But perhaps you should.

It might surprise you to learn that a giraffe is not always a giraffe – or rather that two giraffes randomly admitted onto an ark might not necessarily be the same. We are used to using the one word, ‘giraffe’ to describe them all. But that’s our laziness or our ignorance, not a recognition of reality. The four species most zoologists agree upon are the Masai giraffe, the northern giraffe, the reticulated giraffe (sometimes called the Somali giraffe), and the southern giraffe. It isn’t all that difficult to tell them apart. The reticulated giraffe, for example, has a rather distinctive pattern. It doesn’t have spots. It has a kind of continuous, smooth, white line on a nutty brown, almost orange background, creating large and slightly irregular polygons, like something drawn by a graphic designer during a coffee break. The Masai giraffe is a whole lot darker, and its pattern is blotchy. It has smaller markings that are sometimes described as ‘star shaped’ but are more like the kinds of explosion-shapes you get in comic books. The northern giraffe looks something like the reticulated giraffe, but with smaller markings and a wider white line. You can spot a northern giraffe because its pattern ends at the knee (which is not strictly a knee, but you know what I mean). The southern giraffe is lighter – often very pale – with spots on the lower legs.  

And there could be more. There are zoologists out there who insist that the northern giraffe is not one species, but three; these people are cheerleaders for the Kordofan giraffe which lives in hard-to-get-to places like Chad and the Central African Republic, the Western giraffe (mostly confined to Niger), and the Nubian giraffe which lives in East Africa but isn’t really happy there. Equally the southern giraffe might be two species –the Angolan giraffe, and the South African giraffe. Which would give us eight.

This is all rather confusing, and somewhat unexpected. This is the Twenty First Century after all. Surely, we know how many species of giraffe there are? But no. It seems we don’t. The fact is, while zoologists can get very worked up about identifying species, giving them names, describing them in guide-books and so on, nature itself tends to get on with things in a much more messy way, content to leave the cataloguing up to us. Most dictionaries define a ‘species’ broadly, or approximately, as ‘a group of living organisms consisting of similar individuals capable of interbreeding,’ and this is an important definition because the idea of a species is a fundamental concept in biology, in the same way, perhaps, as an element is in chemistry, or a date is in history. A species should be something with hard boundaries, about which we can all agree. But take a look again at that definition. ‘Similar’ is a rather vague word to have in a dictionary definition. Is a reticulated giraffe similar to a Masai giraffe? Well yes. Tourists might see both in parts of Kenya and not be aware they’ve seen two different giraffes. But can they interbreed? Now this is harder to establish. We know from studies of giraffe genes that the four species described above have not exchanged genetic material for over a million years. But this doesn’t mean they couldn’t. Maybe they have been separated geographically for so long they haven’t had the opportunity to try. Perhaps if Noah found two frisky, fecund giraffes – one reticulated and the other, say, a Nubian – they might be persuaded to breed. This isn’t an experiment we can readily carry out, and even if we could, there are powerful ethical arguments that would (and should) prevent us. But even if we were, somehow, to cross a Masai and a Nubian giraffe, it wouldn’t necessarily mean they were the same species.

Consider the lion and the tiger. No one would dispute these are different, very distinct species. Yet there exists an animal known as a ‘liger’ which is the offspring of a female tiger and a male lion. (A ‘tigon’ is a similar thing where the parents are the other way around). Ligers and tigons only exist in captivity, and no evidence has ever been found that lions and tigers have ever interbred in the wild (even though their ranges cross in parts of India). We know from genetic studies that lions don’t have tiger genes, or vice versa. There was once an assumption that these liger and tigon hybrids would always be infertile in the way that mules are (a mule is a cross between a horse and a donkey), but this doesn’t seem to be the case. In 2012 a Siberian zoo successfully bred a ‘liliger’ which is the offspring of a lion and a liger.

So where does this leave us? Are lions and tigers the same species or not?

On 11th July 1978, shortly after nine in the morning, a 22 year old Asian elephant called Sheba, who had been behaving rather strangely, surprised her keepers at Chester Zoo in the north of England by delivering a calf. The only bull elephant Sheba had encountered for well over two years had been a rather temperamental African elephant known as Jumbolino or ‘Bubbles.’ No one had expected an Asian elephant and an African elephant to be able to interbreed. The calf, called ‘Motty’ (after George Mottershead the founder of Chester Zoo), had ears like an African elephant, but just one ‘trunk finger’ like an Asian elephant. A day later the baby elephant was on his feet and bottle feeding, and within four days Sheba was feeding him normally. Sadly he didn’t survive very much longer. He died of septicaemia aged just ten days, but there is no reason to think he couldn’t have lived for very much longer – perhaps even a full elephant lifespan.

As you’d expect, these are by no means the only animal hybrids, or even the best known. The world of hybrid animals is characterised by an apparent desire to mangle a name for the new creature out of the names of the parents. So we have zeedonks (zebra and donkey), jaglions (jaguar and lion … although surely jagons would be more conventional), grolar bears (grizzly bear and polar bear), and even camas (camel and llama). There was once a fashion for creating such animals, although most zoos would look dimly on such an idea these days.

But perhaps the real surprise should not be that some animals can be persuaded to interbreed, but rather that so few do, and especially that this hardly ever happens without our encouragement. It seems that the word species might need a bit more definition. Perhaps we should redefine it as ‘a group of living organisms consisting of similar individuals capable of interbreeding, and generally disinclined to breed with any other species.’

This is important because the whole idea of the species is so fundamental to zoology. So while we are about it, shall we dispose of some of the other words people often use when they try to talk about a species? Let’s kick off with breed. I can’t tell you how irritated it makes me when I hear someone call, say, a chimpanzee, a breed of monkey. To begin with a chimp isn’t a monkey – it’s an ape. More importantly a breed is something we humans create. We breed dogs for hunting or for fetching or for pampering and the resulting specimens we call a breed – cocker spaniels, German shepherds, French poodles – these are all breeds. Throw them together and they would have no hesitation in creating all manner of cross breeds, and these are breeds too whether or not they are recognised and named by the Kennel Club or anyone else for that matter. We have breeds of sheep, of cattle, of domestic cats, but we don’t have breeds of giraffe or chimpanzees. While we’re on the subject of breeds, we could throw in varieties. I have heard this word used too when the speaker clearly meant species. You can have varieties within a species. Some people have red hair, others are dark. Some giraffes are taller than others. Variety is the motor for evolution, but varieties are not taxonomically significant – which is to say they don’t affect the way we classify or name animals or plants. Variety is often used by breeders to describe variations within a breed, and they can be given names of their own – especially with plants. Any competent horticulturalist can create new varieties of say, roses, by selecting seeds with the characteristics they would like to see. Mix and match, and a couple of generations later, hey presto, a rose named after your grandmother. That’s a variety.      

So having cleared that one up, let’s turn our attention to a much more slippery word. In a park in Williamstown, Kentucky, about an hour’s drive south of Cincinnati, you will find a very curious tourist attraction. Ark Encounter is a building designed to look like … well, an ark, albeit an ark on land. Apparently built to the dimensions provided in the book of Genesis, it’s aim is to convince us that Noah was a real historical figure and his ark was a proper boat, and that, guess what, he did indeed sail away in a flood with two of every kind of animal, and there on board to help prove the point are models of hundreds of animals including dinosaurs and even a couple of unicorns. But did you notice the contentious word? Kind. This is the word that enables Ark Encounter to get away without providing sixteen or eighteen giraffes, or six thousand snakes, or seven hundred thousand beetles. Their website explains it like this: “Species is a term used in the modern classification system. The Bible uses the term “kind.” The created kind was a much broader category than the modern term of classification, species.”

There. With a single judicious use of an ambiguous word translated roughly by seventeenth century scholars in England from a seventh century Greek translation of a bronze age Hebrew manuscript, Ark Encounter are able to sweep away a thousand years of biological science. This is very convenient for creationists. They no longer have to house loads of giraffes on the ark. Two will do. A website called ‘Answers in Genesis’ goes even further; it argues that the giraffes on the ark not only became the ancestors of all of today’s giraffes, but also of okapis, and a host of now extinct creatures. (That sounds suspiciously like evolution to me but let’s not be too provocative.) The Answers in Genesis site goes as far as proving us with a picture of what the giraffes on the ark might have looked like. They label the picture ‘Shansitherium.’

There is no point really trying to argue with this. Creationists will believe what they want to believe. But can the rest of us please agree that the word ‘kind’ does not belong in any discussion of taxonomy. And while we’re about it, can we dispose of another contentious word: race. Race might once have been a useful (but informal) term in biology to describe a genetically distinct populations of individuals within the same species, but the word has become hijacked by disagreements within our own species, so I would suggest we set it aside completely. Along with the word ‘strain.’ There may be races and strains of giraffes – there probably are – but I don’t imagine even God expected Noah to collect every variation or every strain of giraffe on the ark. If he had there wouldn’t have been room for anything else.   

Now here’s another tricky word. Subspecies. The idea of the subspecies can feel like a rather helpful way for zoologists to avoid too many disagreements. We tend to call a group of animals a subspecies when we find them in a different area with particular differences in size, shape, or other characteristics, even though we might suspect that the different subspecies can probably interbreed. You might have read about the imminent extinction of the Northern white rhino. There are only two known individuals of this subspecies still alive. Both are female, so sadly this is almost certainly the end for the Northern white rhino. The two rhinos are called Najin and Fatu. They live in the Ol Pejeta Conservancy in Kenya where they are protected by armed guards. When they go it will undoubtedly be a great loss. But there is a sense that the loss of a subspecies is less of a tragedy than the loss of a species. Northern and Southern white rhinos have been living separately for at least half a million years, but the differences that are visible to us are subtle, and you would need to be an expert in rhino morphology to confidently tell them apart. There may be other differences, of course, that are not visible, and this might lead us to wonder if there are more rhino subspecies than the ones we know. This could also be true of giraffes. Noah would surely have had quite a challenge to untangle this. But the key point for us, and for Noah is this: if you have two subspecies that haven't interbred for half a million years, you do need to put both on the ark. Sorry. Remember that according to Bishop Ussher the flood that floated the ark was in 2,349 BC, just 4,373 years ago - a blink of an eye in evolutionary terms. (Not really long enough by the way for a giraffe to evolve into an okapi.)  The IUCN (the International Union for the Conservation of Nature) who are the arbiters of these things, officially recognises nine subspecies of giraffe. Here they are in the illustration below (happily a royalty-free image: thank you Alamy).   



 So the answer to our original question (memo to Mr Noah) appears to be eighteen giraffes. We have to hope the ceilings on the ark were high. 

But there is a follow-on question. Why don’t we all know this? Why don't illustrators of the ark know this? Why isn’t this taught in schools? How is it that we can identify soccer strips and car marques and fashion logos but we can only collectively identify one giraffe? We knowledgeably and assertively distinguish grape varieties and wine labels and cheeses and breeds of dog, but if you ask one hundred people what species of rhinos still walk the earth, most, I fear, wouldn’t know. (There are five, white rhinos, black rhinos, Indian rhinos, Javan rhinos, and Sumatran rhinos). Why does this matter? Well if we can’t tell animals apart, we won’t mourn them when we lose them. That is why this matters. As Toby Markham says in 'The Year of the Dugong:'  

"Do you know how many moths there are in Suffolk? How many species? Probably over two thousand. And how many people do you think could identify a single moth? Just one species?’ Toby raised a finger. He paused to look at the silent crowd. ‘I doubt if one person in a hundred could do that. So, if no one can identify even a single moth, how many people are going to notice if two thousand species of moths become one thousand? Or one hundred? How many people are really going to care?’

Natural history is becoming a dying art. That’s sad. I don't expect people to identify two thousand moths. But more people ought to know how many moths there are. Because if we don't care, then one by one they will surely go. And so will the Northern white rhino. And one day there may really only be a single species of giraffe. That's heartbreaking.  


Check out my website: www.johnironmonger.com 

The Wager and the Bear [Posted 29th Feb 2024]

 


It's leap-year day so I have an announcement. My climate-crisis novel, 'The Wager and the Bear,' is to be published by Fly on the Wall Books, a northern based publisher-with-a-conscience who specialise in books that might raise awareness of political or climate issues. I love this publisher very much and I can't think of a better home for 'The Wager and the Bear.'   Do please follow me on social media for announcements closer to publication date, or check out my website https://www.johnironmonger.com/  and I'll let you know when it is ready to pre-order.

It isn't a heavy polemical novel. It's simply a good old adventure yarn and a romance but it is quite clearly set against the backdrop of a slow, unfolding global crisis. Oh ... and there is a bear ...  



Check out my website: www.johnironmonger.com 

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE 21 Jan 2024

 


I don't want to jinx this because I know a lot of water has to flow under the bridge between the day you sign up with a studio and the day you buy a cinema ticket to see the finished film ... but all the same I can't resist this little teaser. This is probably all I'm allowed to reveal. Apart from saying that the team behind the movie are utterly awesome. But I will post updates whenever I can. Watch this space ... 


One Step away from the Precipice: Climate Change in Fiction [Posted 20 Nov 2023]

 This was my article yesterday in La Repubblica - Italy's biggest newspaper. The title translates as 'One Step from the Cliff' - and it is an artcle about climate change in fiction, and about my novel 'The Wager and the Bear' (Soon to be published in English I hope). 


Here is the translation of the text:

David Bowie had a remarkable talent for writing songs that could conjure up a story. It is impossible to listen to ‘Space Oddity’ without imagining Major Tom, sitting in a tin-can, drifting forever into space.  But the Bowie song that stays with me most is ‘Five Years’. It tells a very simple story. News has reached us that the earth has only five years left. The planet is dying. In the song, the newsreader weeps. All around the market square people lose their minds.

What would it be like, I have often wondered, if we really were told this news? If a solemn news report, backed by all the world’s serious scientists, was to tell us we were running out of time? How would we react?

Well we now know the answer to this question. Newsreaders wouldn’t weep. No one would go crazy. We would ignore the danger and carry on with our lives as if nothing had changed. We know this because this is what we do. Every few months the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) produces a new report telling us the planet is running out of time. Every year the COP climate change conference makes dire predictions. Every year we learn that the previous year was the hottest on record. We watch forest fires in Canada and Brazil. We see dramatic floods, powerful storms, devastating droughts. We watch the collapse of animal populations. World leaders fly in and out of conferences. They make vague promises. But very little changes. And the world continues to die.   

The challenge seems to be a failure of human imagination. Perhaps it is the timescale. If the world was doomed in just five years, we might be more alarmed. If it was an asteroid hurtling towards us, we might make a real global effort to find a solution. But climate change seems to be a long unfolding tragedy. We are like passengers in a slow-motion train crash. The train is heading for a precipice, and all the pieces are in place for a terrible disaster, but everything is moving so slowly we stop worrying.  

All this presents a particular problem for story tellers. Climate change is the biggest story of our time, yet very few novelists are ready to grapple with this. Ten centuries from now, if humanity is still around, I suspect historians will only be interested in one story from our generation - how we responded (or failed to respond) to this existential threat to the planet. Science fiction, in general, has done us rather a disservice here. Writers have sold us either Mad Max-style desert dystopias, or impossible tales of starships taking survivors to new green planets. What we don’t have are real world stories that could help us to imagine the kind of earth we are creating.  And that is a shame, because imagination is what we need, now more than ever.

Once again, timescales seem to be the challenge. Novelists need a central protagonist with whom readers can identify. This character needs to have a story arc, and human dramas are typically too short for climate change to feature very much. There is a second problem too.  It is hard to imagine any character playing anything but a very minor role in what is a huge global drama. No one is going to step forward like Bruce Willis and save the world. For a writer, that is an unhelpful backdrop. We do not like to set up a jeopardy for our characters, without giving them some way to fight back. But how do you fight back against a warming planet?

In ‘L’Orso Polare e una Scomessa Chiamata Futuro’ (The Wager and the Bear) I hope I may have found a way to navigate a little around these two problems. The narrative unfolds over a whole human lifetime, and the central characters are front-seat observers of the climate disaster. The story involves two young men. One, Monty, is a politician. He is a climate change-denier. He lives in a grand house on the beach in Cornwall. He has a splendid lifestyle, and like so many of us in the slow-motion train crash, he doesn’t see the precipice approaching. The second man, Tom, is a climate scientist and campaigner. One drunken night, over too many glasses of cider in the local inn, the two men get into a quarrel. It ends with a deadly wager. In fifty years, either the sea will rise enough to drown Monty in his home, or Tom will accept the jeopardy himself, and will walk into the sea and drown. A video of the wager, posted online, goes viral. How will it all work out?

Well we have fifty years for the story to unfold. The lives of the two men cross several times, leading them both onto a melting glacier, and ultimately onto an iceberg floating down the coast of Greenland where their only companion is a hungry bear.  

The story is not entirely without hope. It is set against the backdrop of a campaign to restore some of what the world has lost. Neither Monty nor Tom can save the world. But there is at least hope, as well as despair.  

Climate change doesn’t have to be front and centre in contemporary fiction. But we shouldn’t be ignoring it either. As writers we have a responsibility, sometimes, to make the future seem real. We are hurtling towards a world of human-made disasters, of dying oceans, of rising seas, of failing harvests, of droughts, of economic collapse, and of climate-driven conflicts. We cannot ignore these things. If these aren’t part of our fictional landscape now, then they need to be.  Otherwise one day we may find we have just five years left. And it won’t just be the news readers weeping. 


Check out my website: www.johnironmonger.com 




A brilliant but rather scary Italian cover for 'The Wager and the Bear.'

I thought I'd share this rather terrifying cover. A brilliant piece of art. Thanks to the great team at Bollati Boringheiri


Check out my website www.johnironmonger.com 


 

The Wager and the Bear (Der Eisbär und die Hoffnung auf morgen). [Posted: 27 April 2023]

So I have a new novel launching in Germany next month. The English title is, ‘The Wager and the Bear,’ and the German title (a little less catchy perhaps) is ‘Der Eisbär und die Hoffnung auf morgen,’ which my google translator tells me means, ‘The Polar Bear and the Hope for Tomorrow.’ It might be a while before an English language edition is published – which is a shame. I’ll try to explain that in a moment – but first let me tell you about ‘The Wager and the Bear.’


The original idea for the story came from my brilliant agent, Stan. I told him I wanted to write a climate-change novel, and he sent me an email in February 2021, outlining a scenario he described as a cross between Not Forgetting the Whale and Local Hero. He called it ‘Not Forgetting the Iceberg.’ I rarely (normally) pick up on story-suggestions people give me but this was a rather compelling idea, and I found myself sitting down and writing an experimental first chapter. Then of course I had to write a second, and a third … and this is how novels get written. Stan wanted the story to be set in Scotland. I wanted it back in Cornwall – in my fictional village of St Piran. Stan saw the iceberg as the central threat. I saw the iceberg as a harbinger of a greater threat. And so I set about ignoring all Stan’s advice, and now not much remains of his original story, alas, except for the iceberg. But the iceberg (as you will see if ever you read the novel) does play a very central part. It is a story still very rooted in St Piran, and both the hero, Tom, and the anti-hero, Monty, are St Piran boys. It is an action story, a love story, a story with real, terrifying jeopardy … and a story with a bear.

The challenge with any story about climate change is to accommodate the long timescales. The climate catastrophe is something that might be almost instantaneous in geological terms, but measured against human lifespans it is ponderously snail-like. (See my last blog post https://notablebrain.blogspot.com/2023/04/climate-change-cats-and-spaghetti-essay.html) So unlike ‘Not Forgetting the Whale’ (Der Wal und das Ende der Welt) this story unravels over a whole human lifetime. And during this lifetime we will come to discover if Tom really is the hero and Monty the anti-hero. Or is it more nuanced?

I do hope, if you can read German, you will discover this book. If you do, please write to let me know your reactions. You can message me through this blog. If, like me, you are limited to reading in English you might have to wait a little longer. I suspect UK publishers want to wait to see how well it does in Europe – and this is because my last novel, ‘The Many Lives of Heloise Starchild’ didn’t sell all that well in Britain. My counter to this is to explain that ‘Heloise’ hit the bookshops in hardback when shops were closed due to Covid, and the paperback launched when bookshops were closed again. It launched with virtually no publicity. There was, I suppose, very little point publicising a book when the shops were all shut. So it goes. It had a beautiful cover – but (in my mind) the title was wrong. My original title was, ‘Katya’s Gift,’ and I can’t shake off the feeling that it would have done better with that title. Heloise is still my favourite novel by the way. And it is still out there if ever you’re looking for something new to read.

Anyway – all that aside, I can’t wait to see ‘The Wager and the Bear’ in print. Here again is that beautiful cover. And thank you once again to the wonderful people at S.Fischer Verlag for having faith in me.  

Cats, and Spaghetti, and Climate Change [13 April 2023]

 I can’t remember when (or where) I first heard the expression, ‘herding cats.’ I don’t think this idiom was around when I was young. So far as I can tell, it was invented sometime in the 1980s and it took off. Soon everyone was using it. It’s a great little saying because we all know enough about cats to understand right away what it means. ‘I did my best, but it was like herding cats.’ At once we appreciate the futility, the complexity, and the sheer absence of co-operation from everyone concerned. You don’t get herds of cats. They are too bloody-minded.

My father had a saying that meant almost the same thing. But not quite. He would say, ‘it was like trying to organise spaghetti.’ Somehow, for me, organising spaghetti feels like an enterprise even more doomed to failure than herding cats. The cats may not want to be herded, but there is at least the possibility that they might eventually succumb. Spaghetti on the other hand will never submit to organisation. And unlike the cats this isn’t due to wilfulness or contrariness. Disorganisation is a property of the spaghetti itself.

Efforts to resolve the climate-change crisis are often compared to herding cats. In this metaphor the ‘cats’ are the 195 countries on the planet, across 7 continents, where no two countries think alike, or act alike, or have the same priorities, or enjoy similar political systems, or possess the same resources, or have the same levels of understanding. How do we ever herd these slippery belligerent cats into the same box?  Even so, I worry that the problem is more like organising spaghetti. There is no way to do this. We’ll never get everyone on board. Perhaps we ought to accept this and find a different way.

There is, by the way, a rather clever online tool called ‘Google NGram Viewer.’ It can help you to figure out when (but not necessarily where) a word or an expression arose. It searches millions of books over the past two centuries, and if the words you’ve entered appear in 40 books or more in any calendar year, it counts them and plots a graph to show how the frequency has changed with time.  Forty books feels like quite a high bar to me. If you enter ‘herding cats’ you won’t find any use of this expression until 1938. In 1942 the phrase disappears, and it doesn’t reappear until 1987. After that the frequency graph rises meteorically, like the lift-off of a space rocket. It is as if there was something that happened in the Eighties that made this expression useful.

If, by the way, you try ‘organised spaghetti’ in NGram Viewer you don’t get any results at all. Maybe this expression was exclusively my dad’s.

If I look up from my keyboard, and glance out of my window, I can see a storm coming. The clouds gathering over the estuary look as grey and heavy as gunmetal.

And now, in the time it has taken me to type that last sentence, the storm is upon us. The rain is driving against my window. I no longer have a view.  Funny how the weather can do that, and we all accept it. We look at the forecasts and we plan our days around them. Let’s do the beach on Sunday when the rain stops. But if we’re told the whole global climate is changing, we go into a complex form of denial.  We don’t really know how to plan. We hope that tomorrow will be much the same as today, and on the whole it is, and that gives us comfort. It makes us think this is nothing to worry about. Yet.

One metaphor I have heard used about climate change is ‘a slow-motion car crash.’ I used this myself in a novel, ‘The Wager and the Bear.’ The image I wanted was  of an impending catastrophe where the parts are all in motion, where no one is yet hurt, but where terrible death and destruction await if no one acts to stop it. A slow-motion car crash seems to tick all of those boxes. But all the same, I’m not altogether happy with this metaphor. For a start it seems too prosaic. (I’m using the word prosaic to mean lacking in poetry – but also to mean lacking in purpose.) I’ve tried to think of a better image. A train crash is better perhaps, because it involves more people. But slow-motion is insufficient to describe the slow and gradual increments of change that the climate crisis delivers. Sea levels are rising by around four and a half millimetres a year. In ten years, at this rate, they will rise four and a half centimetres. And the sea, as we know, moves up and down, sometimes quite erratically so that doesn’t feel like a threat. Not really. In a century the sea might rise forty five centimetres. About knee high. And none of us likes to think forward more than a century. Do we?

Isn’t that odd? We don’t have this blind spot with history. We’re fascinated by the lives of the Tudors (Henry VIII was on the throne 500 years ago). We love stories about the Romans (2,000 years ago). And yet we don’t speculate much on where our descendants might be in 500 or 2,000 years – what kind of world they will inhabit. Or what (since we chose this measurement) the sea levels might be. So let’s speculate then. Assume that sea levels keep on rising at 4.5mm a year (in reality the rate will almost certainly accelerate but let’s ignore that for a moment.) Our descendants in 2000 years will inherit seas 9 metres higher than today. The map of the world will have been altered irreversibly. Britain will have lost most of East and Central London, and great swathes of the Thames Valley including towns like Dartford, and Kingston. Hundreds of seaside towns will have been wholly lost to the rising waters - places like Portsmouth, Southampton, Middlesborough and Blackpool, Cardiff and Newport, and Gloucester. Lincoln (now 38 miles from the sea) will be a seaside town. So will whatever remains of Cambridge. So will York. So will Taunton.  Across The Channel most of the Netherlands and much of Belgium will be underwater.  So will huge tracts of Northern Germany. America will lose thousands of communities down the Eastern seaboard. China will lose Shanghai and Guangzhou. Bangkok and Kolkata and Ho Chi Minh City will be gone. And Basra, Abu Dhabi and Dubai. 

And here’s the thing. The water will still be rising. It still has a way to go. If all the ice melts (and it probably will if global temperature rises by 4 degrees) then sea levels rise seventy metres or so.

9 metres of sea level rise puts the Netherlands underwater


And sea level changes are, perhaps, the least of our worries. A 4 degree rise would make most of the world between the tropics practically uninhabitable. It would certainly make agriculture almost impossible. It will cause catastrophic drought . And the Northern farmlands which will now be warmer will not take up the slack. Celestial mechanics will still restrict sunlight in winter, and the soils are anyway very unproductive. And anyway a weird side effect of climate change might mean that as the world gets hotter (and sea levels keep rising) Europe curiously will get colder as ocean currents slow down.

Finally there is a terrifying threat. This is how it might be in, 'The Year of the Dugong.' If atmospheric CO2 levels exceed 1,200 parts per million (ppm) (and they could) it could push the Earth’s climate over a tipping point. This would see clouds start to break up, and, a cloudless world will reflect away less sunlight. According to research published in the journal Nature Geoscience, this could trigger another 8°C rise in global average temperatures. Game Over. 

So slow-motion train crash doesn’t work, does it? ‘Ultra-slow motion asteroid-collision,’ might be better. A disaster movie that runs at one frame a year. But the disaster is still going to happen. And it is inevitable unless we can herd the unruly cats who govern us and get them to start organising the spaghetti. Now.


Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com 



More Movie Cliches ... [31 March 2023]

Back in January I wrote a blog post bemoaning lazy cliches in movies and on TV. https://notablebrain.blogspot.com/2023/01/movie-cliches-tropes-and-memes.html This, in turn, was prompted by an earlier blog post grumbling about the gun-related cliches in the new Avatar movie. https://notablebrain.blogspot.com/2022/12/avatar-2-and-all-american-love-affair.html

Well, as often happens, those posts got me noticing plenty more lazy cliches that movie makers use; so here, just for you, are a few of them. You’re welcome…

1. PSYCHO KILLERS ALWAYS PASTE THEIR BEDROOM WALLS WITH NEWS CUTTINGS. When the cop finally stumbles into the lair of the serial killer/psycho that’s how we know they’ve found the bad guy.

2. OLDER COPS ARE JUST ABOUT TO RETIRE. One extra case eh…

3. SENIOR COPS ALWAYS BAWL OUT THE GOOD COP. This seems to be a rule. There is always a more senior cop usually with a glass fronted office that looks over the incident room, and he (or she) is NEVER pleased with the way the case is going, never says, ‘well done,’ usually threatens to take the good cop’s badge, and generally pulls the good cop off the case.

4. IF THE SENIOR COP ALSO HAS A BOSS, THAT BOSS WILL BE BENT

5. COPS NEVER CATCH ANYONE IN A CAR CHASE. Did you ever see a car chase where the cops catch the guy they’re chasing, even if they throw a hundred cars at it? No. The guy (who is being chased by cops usually because of a misunderstanding) always gets away.

6. WRITERS ALWAYS WEAR SPECS. Also they either live in a cabin by a lake or in a New York apartment. 

7. HEROES ARE NEVER HAPPILY MARRIED. Usually the wife has died. Or else they’ve had an undeserved separation. Whatever, they are now available but only reluctantly.

8. TEENAGE SONS ARE ALWAYS REBELLIOUS. If the hero dad gives his teenage son an order, you know the son will flagrantly ignore it in the next scene. But in the end the teenage son comes good, sees the errors of his ways, and makes up with the dad.

9. TEENAGE DAUGHTERS ARE ALWAYS SUPER SMART AND USUALLY ABOUT TO GO TO HARVARD.

10. DOCTORS ARE ALWAYS READY TO TELL YOU HOW LONG YOU HAVE TO LIVE. AND IT’S USUALLY JUST SIX MONTHS. But protagonists with six months left always look reasonably fit, they don’t spend the six months suffering in bed, they get out there and fight the bad guys.

11. NIGHTCLUBS/SEEDY DIVES ALWAYS HAVE A STRIPPER IN THE BACKGROUND, BUT NOBODY IS ACTUALLY WATCHING HER

12. IF A MOVIE STARTS WITH A HAPPY COUPLE MOVING INTO A NEW HOME, YOU KNOW IT WON’T TURN OUT WELL.

13. IF A MOVIE INVOLVES A SINGLE PERSON MOVING INTO A REMOTE CABIN IN THE WOODS, THEN DITTO.

14. MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS WILL ALWAYS QUARREL

15. THE HERO COP/DETECTIVE WILL CASUALLY SPOT A CLUE THAT THE WHOLE CSI TEAM HAVE OVERLOOKED. Hmm. I wonder who left this cigarette butt …

16. IF A SCENE TAKES PLACE IN PARIS, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ABLE TO SEE THE EIFFEL TOWER IN THE BACKGROUND OR THROUGH A WINDOW. In London it’s usually Big Ben.

17. THE BAD GUY’S HENCHMEN DIE FIRST. Finally he’s the last one left alive, but he’s also the trickiest to kill. Also, have you noticed; henchmen never have any lines. No henchman ever has a wisecrack, or says something poignant while dying. A shot henchman simply does the decent thing and dies quickly and quietly. Also where does the bad guy find all these henchmen? Are they amazingly well paid? Do they get paid holidays? Do they grumble over their conditions of employment?  Why are they always happy to do as they are told even when it looks as if they’ll die doing it? Why do they never say: ‘hey, this isn’t my fight. Leave me out of it.’ And on that subject ...  

18. HELICOPTER PILOTS EMPLOYED BY VILLAINS ARE STUPIDLY RECKLESS. Where do you employ a guy who is happy to fly a helicopter into such a dangerous situation that he and his helicopter will end up as a massive fireball? There must be an agency somewhere specialising in suicidal pilots ...



19. THE UNIFORM ON THE PEG/DEAD GUY IS ALWAYS A PERFECT FIT WHEN SOMEONE ELSE NEEDS IT. We never see a character struggling to get into a stolen uniform. A side door just opens and out they step, dressed up. And amazingly no one will question them.

20. WHEN THE BAD GUY GETS HIS CHANCE TO KILL THE GOOD GUY HE ALWAYS CHOOSES NOT TO. Why would you do that?

21. BIG PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES ARE ALWAYS EVIL. So are the billionaire owners of social media and tech companies except for Stark Industries

22. IT IS REALLY EASY TO KNOCK SOMEONE UNCONSCIOUS. If you’re cool and you know how.

23. IT IS REALLY EASY TO KICK DOWN A DOOR. If you’re cool and you know how.

24. IT IS REALLY EASY TO SNATCH A GUN OUT OF AN ANTAGONIST’S HAND. If you’re cool and you know how.

25. IT IS REALLY EASY TO HACK INTO JUST ABOUT ANY COMPUTER. If you’re uncool and a nerd hacker.

26. IT IS ALWAYS EASY TO PARK. There is always a convenient space.

27. GIRL WAKES UP IN BED – WONDERS WHERE HER LOVER FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE HAS GONE – DON’T WORRY – HE’S COOKING UP BREAKFAST. And actually he’s an amazing cook. Who would have guessed?

28. IF THERE IS A POKER GAME – SOMEONE WILL ALWAYS HAVE AN UNBELIEVABLE HAND. One protagonist has a once in a lifetime hand. But what do you know. Someone else at the table has a better one.

29. IF THERE IS A CHESS GAME IN PLAY, IT IS ONLY EVER ONE MOVE AWAY FROM CHECKMATE.

30. IT ONLY TAKES A SECOND TO PAY FOR A CAB. Movie people just pass over a banknote and get out without speaking.

31. IF YOU CHASE ANYONE DOWN AN ESCALATOR AT A TUBE STATION, GUESS WHAT? THERE WILL BE A TRAIN RIGHT THERE AT THE PLATFORM (OR JUST ARRIVING) FOR THEM TO HOP ONTO. Yet whenever I run down an escalator at a tube station I find I just missed the train. 

32. THE HERO ALWAYS MISSES HIS DAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAY PARTY / CONCERT. It isn't his fault. He'll be forgiven at the end.

I'm beginning to think this is an almost endless seam to be mined. If you've spotted any more lazy tropes, let me know, or drop them into the comments. I daresay I'll keep noticing them. 

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com 


The Key to a Great Safari: A Great Safari Guide [9 March 2023]

Paul Mbugua
I wanted to avoid an organised safari. You know the sort of thing - the luxury experience plucked from a glossy brochure where you’re dropped into a fabulous safari resort from a shiny light aircraft and you float over Samburu in a balloon, and, ‘here’s your agenda – it’s eight o’clock – let’s go and see the lions. Oh. And here’s the bill. You’re going to need a mortgage.

But what’s the alternative? Safaris are expensive. They’re complicated. They don’t always go to plan.

Well I thought I knew the alternative. We were travelling with friends and that would spread the costs. I would plan our safari myself. It would be way cheaper. I knew Kenya. I knew where I wanted to go. So I googled safari lodges, and I read online reviews, and I worked out an itinerary that would suit us. We’d do Nairobi National Park and the elephant orphanage. We’d visit Lake Naivasha, and Crescent Island, and Hell’s Gate. We’d stay at Lake Nakuru for the flamingos. We’d go on to the Masai Mara and we’d spend time in the conservancies as well as the Mara Triangle. It would be awesome.

And so I booked it. Six hotels/lodges. Twelve days.  I flirted briefly with the idea of self-drive but quickly abandoned it. I contacted Rhino Safaris because I trust them. I wrote to Lacty, the owner, at info.nbo@rhinosafaris.net . And I told him I needed a good safari land-cruiser and a first class guide for ten days.

Readers – that is what we got. And it reminded me how essential a great guide is for a good safari. Paul Mbugua was more than a first class guide and an excellent driver – he was a splendid travelling companion too. His knowledge of Kenyan wildlife and geology is astonishing. And considering he was ferrying two smart-ass zoologists, and a geologist, including one who felt he knew it all already (that would be me) he still had a whole lot to teach us. Crucially he had enthusiasm. In spades. He would urge us to set off early and return home late and it always paid off. Once we did two back-to-back nine hour days and he never tried to rush us, or to set off before we had seen what we wanted to see. He persuaded us several times to change our agenda. Once was to break with the plan and visit Lake Elementeita. What a good decision that was. Another time we swapped days around because he’d picked up rumours of a leopard. Another good decision. His knowledge of every park was amazing. And the only time we flummoxed him was when we told him we wanted to visit Mount Suswa for the caves on the way back to Nairobi. Well, he’d never done that trip before. So he hired a guide too. This time a Masai guide called Kiano (kianosempui2018@gmail.com ) And what a trip that was.

Would I recommend a self-booked safari? Absolutely I would. It will be half the cost. And you stay in control.  I suggest you call Lacty. And make sure you ask for Paul. (Paul's whatsapp is +254 723 266 401). And for Suswa drop a mail to Kiano. And make sure you send me some photos.  Here are some of mine. 

Nairobi: Was it right to go back? [3 March 2023]

At Kenton ...

The Stanley

Nairobi

Back in January I shared, on this blog, my anxieties about going back to Nairobi. ‘Never Go Back,’ was the advice so many people gave me. I grew up in Nairobi you see. I once knew every city street, and shop, and market stall. I was comfortable prattling in Swahili. I felt as if this city was part of my identity; somehow encoded into my very DNA. But fifty years have passed. I’ve lived in England since 1971. It’s a different time now. Hugely different. Someone warned me that the Nairobi I left was a city of half a million people; the Nairobi I was set to visit had five million. ‘Don’t go back was his advice.’

So did I do the right thing?

Memories are curious things aren’t they? If you live in a place all your life, your recollections of that place evolve along with the landscape as the years pass. But if instead, one day, you simply get up and leave, your memories become frozen in time. Going back is like owning a precious vase, but alas, the paintings on the vase are fading. Someone offers you a brand-new vase with bright new paintwork. But if you accept it, you have to smash the old one. What should you do?

Well of course, I went back. I smashed the old vase. (We took a safari holiday with friends. I will blog about that sometime soon.) And guess what? I didn’t regret a moment. Yes, it was strange. Embakazi Airport (Now Jomo Kenyatta International) once the size of a high-school science block and comfortably out of town, is now a huge complex bristling with dozens of airplanes and now it is buried in a suburb of high-rise buildings, and the roads into town are giant freeways and the traffic is terrible. But I found this exciting. Not depressing. I knew the moment I stepped out of the plane I was going to love this place. It was still Nairobi. (Perhaps that was the biggest surprise.) Lots of the city is still absolutely recognisable. But even if it wasn’t, there is something ineffable about this city, something I can’t quite describe or explain, that stamps this place and its people with its mark and makes it simply the best and most exciting city in the world. It’s a noisy, chaotic, colourful, amazing place. Still. Thank goodness.

We stayed the first three nights at Masai Lodge – a safari lodge in the National Park (a lovely place about an hour out of town. I’d recommend it. Say hi to Cedric on the reception desk for me if you go there.) And we stayed the last few nights at The Stanley. Good choices both. I’ve wanted to stay at the Stanley all my life and it didn’t disappoint. And I visited my old school (Kenton College) and had a very warm welcome there. It was emotional. I watched a mixed-sex and multi-race group of kids doing football practice on the very field where I once played (in an exclusively-white-male school), and it brought a lump to my throat. I used my fifty year old memory to navigate through the streets past the market and the University and the Norfolk Hotel to the snake park (beware there is a new highway in the way) – and hey presto the snake park itself is unchanged in almost every way. Even the black mambas are in the same tank.

It was wonderful. It was cathartic. I left my fellow travellers at the pool on our final afternoon and I took a walk around the city centre on my own, and soaked up the magic and replayed my memories, and relished all that was new and all that was unchanged. So yes – the old vase is smashed; but I love the new one too. And my advice if you, like me, have been away for too long, is very very simple. Go back. It’s wonderful.  


Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com 


Unchanged - The Snake Park

Nairobi

Nairobi


My Book Shelves (11): In the Shadow of Man by Jane Goodall [19 Jan 2023]

The first time I read Jane Goodall’s ‘In the Shadow of Man,’ I was studying zoology at university, and this was one of our course-books. I was expecting a dry, academic tome. What I discovered was the intensely personal autobiography of a young English woman and a detailed account of the family of chimpanzees that accepted her into their fold. It is a book that has never left me, and I have re-read it several times. One feature that makes In the Shadow of Man so compelling is the family-tree of chimp faces that appears on the flyleaf. It is impossible to read the book without regularly consulting this handy guide to the chimps in the troop. Goodall was twenty-seven when she started work at Gombe Stream National Park in Tanzania. It was 1960. For years she lived in the park, spending most of her daylight hours with the chimps. She is said, to this day, to be the only human ever to have been accepted into a chimpanzee group, and for almost two years she was the lowest ranking member of the Kasakela troop.


Almost every aspect of Jane Goodall’s work with chimpanzees was pioneering when she started, and not always welcomed by the scientific community. The idea that a researcher should live among a group of wild apes was considered rather shocking, especially if the researcher was young, blonde, and female. But Goodall’s most unconventional idea, perhaps, was to give her chimps names. This annoyed traditional primatologists who accused her of becoming emotionally attached to the animals. Today it is common practice for zoologists to name animals, especially primates, and the names Goodall gave to the Gombe chimps helped to bring their stories to a worldwide audience in a way that would never have happened had they been Chimp A or Chimp B. I still remember with affection the names of the chimps from In the Shadow of Man – David Greybeard, Goliath, Flo, Fifi, and Flint.  

The family tree from 'In the Shadow of Man.'
The Family Tree from In the Shadow of Man


I've been working on a novel, on and off, that may or may not ever see the light of day. It draws heavily from 'In the Shadow of Man.' At present my title for this book is Girl/Ape. It is the entirely fictional story of a young woman who lives with a troop of wild chimpanzees. I'm 38 thousand words in; but who knows. I shall let you know how it goes.

Sue and I have been lucky enough to meet Jane Goodall twice on her UK lecture tours, and both times her stories have brought us to tears. If you want to learn more about Jane Goodall I heartily recommend In the Shadow of Man, along with ‘My Life with the Chimpanzees’ and ‘Through a Window: 30 Years with the Chimpanzees of Gombe.’  You might also like to subscribe to the Jane Goodall Institute’s YouTube channel.


Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com 

My Book Shelves (10): The Asterix books by Goscinny and Uderzo [18 Jan 2023]

 It is the year 50BC. After a long struggle, Gaul has been conquered by the Romans. All Gaul is occupied.  All? No. One village still holds out stubbornly against the invaders…

And there it is. The simple conceit that launched over forty books, a theme park,  a film franchise, and one of the most enduring partnerships in graphic literature – Asterix and Obelix – the indefatigable (and indomitable) warriors of the little Gaulish village we have come to know so well. If you’ve never encountered Asterix – where have you been?  Surely no one can have escaped at least a passing acquaintance with the books.  In a 1999 poll by Le Monde, 'Asterix the Gaul' was voted 23rd greatest book of the 20th Century. And it isn’t even the best of the canon. Not by a very long chalk.  But it was the first,  published in 1959 (and in English translation a decade later.)


Some of my dog-eared Asterix books ...
Some of my dog-eared Asterix books ...

I’ve been a fan since … well, since a teacher at my school gave us untranslated versions of the books to encourage us to read in French. I was about twelve. I dare say couldn’t make head or tail of the language. But the pictures themselves are enough to draw you in. And then one day I discovered Asterix and Cleopatra in English and that was it. I was hooked. And I have been ever since.

Where do I begin to catalogue everything that makes the Asterix books such works of unrivalled genius?  They are funny, witty, touching, and beautifully drawn. They mercilessly lampoon every national stereotype in a way (and to an extent) you probably couldn’t get away with now. They are charming. Original. Clever. And above all they are great stories.

But I need to make an important distinction here. My unrequited love for these books is limited to the first 24 volumes – those written by written by René Goscinny and illustrated by Albert Uderzo (and translated by Anthea Bell and Derek Hockeridge) until Goscinny’s death in 1977. These are:

1.     Asterix the Gaul

2.     Asterix and the Golden Sickle

3.     Asterix and the Goths

4.     Asterix the Gladiator

5.     Asterix and the Banquet

6.     Asterix and Cleopatra

7.     Asterix and the Big Fight

8.     Asterix and the In Britain

9.     Asterix and the Normans

10.  Asterix The Legionary

11.    Asterix and the Chieftain's Shield

12.   Asterix at the Olympic Games

13.   Asterix and the Cauldron

14.   Asterix In Spain

15.   Asterix and the Roman Agent

16.   Asterix in Switzerland

17.   Asterix and the Mansions of the Gods

18.   Asterix and the Laurel Wreath

19.   Asterix and the Soothsayer

20. Asterix In Corsica

21.   Asterix and Caesar's Gift

22.  Asterix and the Great Crossing

23.  Obelix and Co.

24.  Asterix in Belgium

After Rene Goscinny’s death Albert Uderzo ploughed on alone, writing and drawing the books. The eight books Uderzo created are not nearly so good. I possess them all – of course. But who, if anyone, really enjoyed Asterix and the Actress? Or the Falling Sky? The books are a poor imitation of the first 24 – and oddly even the drawings aren't as good. In 2013 an agreement was made with Uderzo and the estate of Goscinny for a new writer and illustrator to take over. Enter Jean-Yves Ferri as writer, and Didier Conrad as illustrator. The books were better than Uderzo’s solo efforts. Asterix and the Picts was even quite good. But they too have failed to hit the highwater mark of books like Asterix the Legionary or Asterix in Corsica.

I give you below, the opening page of Asterix in Spain. If you can show me a better opening page of any book, I should like to see it.


Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com 

How many giraffes were on the ark? (and other musings) [22nd April 2024]

So how many giraffes do you think there were on Noah’s ark? (By the way you don’t have to believe in Noah or his ark to answer this. It is a...