We English are a stoic lot. We’re not supposed to complain. The stiff upper lip and all that. ‘Mustn’t grumble,’ is a saying we all learned at our mothers’ knees; and so, on the whole, we put up with stuff. But here are some tips for hotel bosses who might be wondering why their English guests never award them five stars on TripAdvisor. It is a short but simple list, and it all relates to breakfast. The English, you see, can overlook noisy bedrooms, cool showers, and lumpy pillows; but breakfast is sacrosanct to us; and so, when you next muse over your unhelpful run of three-star reviews, give some thought to ways you might at least improve your ratings from the Anglo-Saxon customers.
Number 1: Tea
I’ve stayed in a good many hotels around the world – and barely
any have a clue how to serve tea (there was a very good hotel in New Delhi that
did it excellently – but that was about it.) So here goes:
I.
The Pot: Tea is brewed in a teapot. A
china teapot. Not a metal pot. Not a mug or a cup. Not a fat earthenware vessel.
A glass pot will do if it’s all you have. But fine bone-china is preferred. One
pot will do for one person. It should accommodate enough tea for two full cups.
For two people travelling as a couple, a large
pot that holds four cups is fine for afternoon tea, but at breakfast give them a
pot each.
II.
Water: Soft water is better if you have
it. And the water must be boiling when you add it to the tea. Actually bubbly
steamily scarily boiling. Not simply hot. (American hotels invariably bring a
mug of warm water and a teabag. I would immediately and without remorse deduct
two stars from any review for this. Possibly three. It is unforgivable.)
III.
Additional water: an additional pot of
boiling water should also be provided. So yes, you need two pots for your
solitary English guest. Don’t scowl. This is how it’s done. The guest will add
water to the pot (see item I above) to adjust the strength of the tea and to
allow for a third cup, if needed (which it usually is).
IV.
The tea: tea bags are ok. Pyramid tea
bags are better than flat ones. Leaf tea is better still, but even we English know
we have to make some concessions. But horrible Lipton’s yellow-label tea bags won’t
do. Nor will Tetley’s US brands. They’re probably designed to make iced tea.
They make vile tea at breakfast. So do most cheap teas. Dig into your budgets
and get some decent tea. You wouldn’t offer your guests cheap instant coffee so
don’t offer them yellow packets of sawdust masquerading as tea. Tea Pigs is a good place to start. Or
Whittards. Other good quality brands are available. Two tea bags in the pot
please. You will need the following teas: English Breakfast (or Yorkshire) tea,
Assam, Earl Grey, Darjeeling. You might also want to offer Ceylon tea, and
Lapsang Souchon. Don’t run out. And by all means have decaf and herbal
infusions too. Some people like them.
V.
Milk: should always be available in a
small jug.
VI.
Cups: at home we all drink tea in mugs.
In hotels we want cups and saucers. Sorry
We’ll accept self-service tea so long as the water is boiling
and teapots etc are provided as above. But tea delivered to the table is better.
Number 2: Toast
Nobody in the world likes those dreadful
conveyor-belt toasters that blaze away for three hours during hotel breakfasts,
using as much power as a medium sized nuclear plant. This opinion isn’t limited
to your English guests. The machines simply don’t work. Feed your slices in
once and you end up with warm bread. Send them around a second time and you get
cinders. Consign these devices to the skip and replace them with two or three
sensible double pop-up toasters. Then:
I.
Butter: abandon those nasty little pats
of butter that you have to unwrap. They don’t have enough butter for a single
slice. Provide pots of butter for each table. I’ll bet it’s cheaper. It will certainly
be more popular.
II.
Marmalade: It may only be the English that
like marmalade; but boy, do we like it. You will earn so much respect and
admiration from your English guests if you provide a decent marmalade – I can’t
begin to tell you. Not apricot jam. Not lemon marmalade. Or lime. True orange marmalade
is an invention of the gods and essential at breakfast. Best served in a pot
with a teaspoon for big gloopy servings –
but even it if comes in a tiny annoying jar that’s ok. So long as you let me
have three.
III.
Marmite: Famously we don’t all like it.
But those of us who do will love you for providing it. And you’ll win over
Australians too. That’s a bonus.
Number 3: Orange juice
American hotels already do this
perfectly. Cold, freshly squeezed orange, served from a jug into a tall glass. Provide
other fruits if you insist – but we won’t bother with them.
And there you have it. We’ll put up with pretty much everything
else. We generally enjoy your fruit salads, and your cold meats, or your
pastries, or your attempts at an English breakfast. We can cope with all of
them. Just get the tea and the toast and the orange juice right and you’ll send
us off with a smile. And maybe we’ll give you a better review. I will.
Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com
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