John Ironmonger's Random Blog

My Book Shelves (11): In the Shadow of Man by Jane Goodall [19 Jan 2023]

The first time I read Jane Goodall’s ‘In the Shadow of Man,’ I was studying zoology at university, and this was one of our course-books. I was expecting a dry, academic tome. What I discovered was the intensely personal autobiography of a young English woman and a detailed account of the family of chimpanzees that accepted her into their fold. It is a book that has never left me, and I have re-read it several times. One feature that makes In the Shadow of Man so compelling is the family-tree of chimp faces that appears on the flyleaf. It is impossible to read the book without regularly consulting this handy guide to the chimps in the troop. Goodall was twenty-seven when she started work at Gombe Stream National Park in Tanzania. It was 1960. For years she lived in the park, spending most of her daylight hours with the chimps. She is said, to this day, to be the only human ever to have been accepted into a chimpanzee group, and for almost two years she was the lowest ranking member of the Kasakela troop.

Almost every aspect of Jane Goodall’s work with chimpanzees was pioneering when she started, and not always welcomed by the scientific community. The idea that a researcher should live among a group of wild apes was considered rather shocking, especially if the researcher was young, blonde, and female. But Goodall’s most unconventional idea, perhaps, was to give her chimps names. This annoyed traditional primatologists who accused her of becoming emotionally attached to the animals. Today it is common practice for zoologists to name animals, especially primates, and the names Goodall gave to the Gombe chimps helped to bring their stories to a worldwide audience in a way that would never have happened had they been Chimp A or Chimp B. I still remember with affection the names of the chimps from In the Shadow of Man – David Greybeard, Goliath, Flo, Fifi, and Flint.

The Family Tree from In the Shadow of Man

I've been working on a novel, on and off, that may or may not ever see the light of day. It draws heavily from 'In the Shadow of Man.' At present my title for this book is Girl/Ape. It is the entirely fictional story of a young woman who lives with a troop of wild chimpanzees. I'm 38 thousand words in; but who knows. I shall let you know how it goes.

Sue and I have been lucky enough to meet Jane Goodall twice on her UK lecture tours, and both times her stories have brought us to tears. If you want to learn more about Jane Goodall I heartily recommend In the Shadow of Man, along with ‘My Life with the Chimpanzees’ and ‘Through a Window: 30 Years with the Chimpanzees of Gombe.’ You might also like to subscribe to the Jane Goodall Institute’s YouTube channel.

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com

My Book Shelves (10): The Asterix books by Goscinny and Uderzo [18 Jan 2023]

It is the year 50BC. After a long struggle, Gaul has been conquered by the Romans. All Gaul is occupied. All? No. One village still holds out stubbornly against the invaders…

And there it is. The simple conceit that launched over forty books, a theme park, a film franchise, and one of the most enduring partnerships in graphic literature – Asterix and Obelix – the indefatigable (and indomitable) warriors of the little Gaulish village we have come to know so well. If you’ve never encountered Asterix – where have you been? Surely no one can have escaped at least a passing acquaintance with the books. In a 1999 poll by Le Monde, 'Asterix the Gaul' was voted 23^rd greatest book of the 20^th Century. And it isn’t even the best of the canon. Not by a very long chalk. But it was the first, published in 1959 (and in English translation a decade later.)

Some of my dog-eared Asterix books ...

I’ve been a fan since … well, since a teacher at my school gave us untranslated versions of the books to encourage us to read in French. I was about twelve. I dare say couldn’t make head or tail of the language. But the pictures themselves are enough to draw you in. And then one day I discovered Asterix and Cleopatra in English and that was it. I was hooked. And I have been ever since.

Where do I begin to catalogue everything that makes the Asterix books such works of unrivalled genius? They are funny, witty, touching, and beautifully drawn. They mercilessly lampoon every national stereotype in a way (and to an extent) you probably couldn’t get away with now. They are charming. Original. Clever. And above all they are great stories.

But I need to make an important distinction here. My unrequited love for these books is limited to the first 24 volumes – those written by written by René Goscinny and illustrated by Albert Uderzo (and translated by Anthea Bell and Derek Hockeridge) until Goscinny’s death in 1977. These are:

1. Asterix the Gaul
2.     Asterix and the Golden Sickle
3.     Asterix and the Goths
4.     Asterix the Gladiator
5.     Asterix and the Banquet
6.     Asterix and Cleopatra
7.     Asterix and the Big Fight
8.     Asterix and the In Britain
9.     Asterix and the Normans
10.  Asterix The Legionary
11.    Asterix and the Chieftain's Shield
12.   Asterix at the Olympic Games
13.   Asterix and the Cauldron
14.   Asterix In Spain
15.   Asterix and the Roman Agent
16.   Asterix in Switzerland
17.   Asterix and the Mansions of the Gods
18.   Asterix and the Laurel Wreath
19.   Asterix and the Soothsayer
20. Asterix In Corsica
21.   Asterix and Caesar's Gift
22.  Asterix and the Great Crossing
23.  Obelix and Co.
24.  Asterix in Belgium

After Rene Goscinny’s death Albert Uderzo ploughed on alone, writing and drawing the books. The eight books Uderzo created are not nearly so good. I possess them all – of course. But who, if anyone, really enjoyed Asterix and the Actress? Or the Falling Sky? The books are a poor imitation of the first 24 – and oddly even the drawings aren't as good. In 2013 an agreement was made with Uderzo and the estate of Goscinny for a new writer and illustrator to take over. Enter Jean-Yves Ferri as writer, and Didier Conrad as illustrator. The books were better than Uderzo’s solo efforts. Asterix and the Picts was even quite good. But they too have failed to hit the highwater mark of books like Asterix the Legionary or Asterix in Corsica.

I give you below, the opening page of Asterix in Spain. If you can show me a better opening page of any book, I should like to see it.

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com

Never go Back. Should I revisit Nairobi? Or not? [13 Jan 2023]

Never go back. I’ve been given that piece of advice plenty of times, by lots of different people, but always with reference to one particular place. Nairobi. The city where I was born. Where I went to primary school. Where I went to prep school. Where I lived until I was seventeen.

Never go back.

I get it. I do. I understand why you should never go back. Memories are fragile enough as it is, why spoil them? Everything will have changed. I left Nairobi in 1971, and when I did, I felt as if I knew every street corner, every shop and bar and café and market stall. I knew the bus routes, and the clubs, and the museum, and the National Park. I was a regular at the Impala Club, and at Dam Busters, and the Snake Park, and the animal orphanage. I knew my way unaided around the city maze. I used to sit at a table in the Thorn Tree Café at the New Stanley Hotel and spot celebrities with my big sister. I was on first name terms with the man who ran Top Ten Records on Kimathi Street, and with the Sikh who ran the camera shop next to the market, and with several owners of second-hand bookstores all along Bazaar Street. I knew the best stall to buy mealies and the best place to get cut pineapple. My little brother Paul and I used to take the lift to the top of the highest building (then the Hilton Hotel) and climb the service staircase to the roof and we’d sit there watching the whole city at our feet. It was our city. That was how it felt.

Me at Kenton College in around 1966. I'm the miserable looking one - second to the right on the front row.

There is still a city called Nairobi, and it still stands in the same place - midway between Mombasa and Kisumu on the great railroad - but it isn’t the same city. I understand that. I look at the city on Google Streetview and nowhere is recognisable. I try to find the several old colonial bungalows where we lived at various times between 1958 and 1971, and I can’t find them. The houses all have high walls now. Nothing looks familiar.

Never go back.

But should I? Won’t I get a frisson of pleasure from recognising the occasional place? Surely my old school won’t have changed very much. Surely the Impala Club is still there. And the hippo pool in the National Park. And the museum. And the Stanley Hotel …

Well it’s a moot question. I’m going back. Next month. With Sue and with our good friends Graham and Jenny. Feel free to send me your advice. Places to see. Places to avoid. I will blog about the trip and let you know how it was. But I can tell you this already. Four weeks to go and I’m already ridiculously excited.

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com

Movie Clichés (tropes and memes). And why it's time to stop them. [13 Jan 2023]

I wrote a blog post last month about ‘Avatar 2 (The Way of Water)’ and I used this post to bemoan the prevalence of lazy movie memes – especially memes that involve guns. But maybe, on reflection, ‘meme’ wasn’t the right word. Some people, I’ve discovered, call these things ‘tropes,’ which makes them sound almost respectable. But I’m starting to think of them as clichés. When a hero is rescued by a gunshot from an offscreen character (the Deus ex Machina escape) this is surely nothing more than a lazy cliché – predictable, unoriginal, overused, and boring.

Clichés take the fun out of movies. They tell you, 'here is an unoriginal screenwriter and an unimaginative director and a studio that is happy to rerun old ideas.' It is time for us, the movie-watching public, to call out these mind numbing practices. So I thought I might use this blog post to start a collection of these clichés, and I shall add to it when I come across new ones. Feel free to contribute movie clichés that annoy you – just drop them into the comments and I’ll add them on. Here are a few to get us started.

HEROES ALWAYS RUN FROM AN EXPLOSION WITH NOT A SECOND TO SPARE

THE TV NEWS FLASH IS ALWAYS RELEVANT

If the TV is on in the background of a scene, and the news is on (or there’s a news flash) – you can be absolutely certain this news item will be central to the story that is about to unfold. Particularly if it happens in Act 1. No other story will be aired and the characters will turn off the TV before the football results come on.

LESSONS ARE ALWAYS INTERRUPTEFD BY THE BELL

If a character is a teacher or a professor we will join them in class, but only for the last few minutes of class up until the point where they are interrupted by the bell. Never midway through. During the few minutes we see, the teacher/professor will expound upon a theory that will prove central to the story that is about to unfold. Particularly if it happens in Act 1. Usually he/she will be interrupted by a smartass student with a smartass question. This student will turn out to be the hero or the nemesis of the story.

THE DOG WILL DIE

There’s a dog! Oh dear. He’s going to die. Or go missing.

PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS WILL BE OVERHEARD

Two characters share their suspicions about a third character. Big mistake. The third character will be standing silently out of sight listening to everything.

DUCTS ARE EVERYWHERE

Every spaceship / building / ship / prison will have a network of ducts that are just wide enough to crawl through. Each duct has a cover with just two screws. A character can also use a duct to eavesdrop on conversations (see previous cliché).

BOMB TIMERS ARE REALLY HELPFUL

For no known reason, bomb makers helpfully include a digital count-down timer (even when they don’t expect anyone to be there to be there to see it.) The bomb maker is never smart enough to have triggered the bomb at any point on the countdown except zero. This is lucky because generally the hero will defuse the bomb with just three seconds to go.

COSTUME DRAMA DRESSES NEVER GET MUDDY

God knows there must have been a lot of mud. But long dresses stay clean.

DETECTIVES LIVE IN ICONIC HOMES

Usually by water. Or in a trailer. Or a boat. Or somewhere spectacular. Never in an apartment block or on a dull estate.

NO ONE SAYS GOODBYE ON PHONE CALLS

They just hang up. Rude.

IT WAS ALL A DREAM

This cliché annoys me more than any other. We think we’re watching a bona-fide scene in the movie. Dreadful things happen. They get worse. Oh my god! But then the protagonist awakes. Phwew! It was only a dream.

DRIVERS LOOK AT THEIR PASSENGERS WHILE TALKING

If a car driver has five lines of dialogue, he/she will deliver this whole spiel while looking directly at the passenger, and the passenger will never panic or say ‘keep your eyes on the road.’

COUGHING IN A COSTUME DRAMA MEANS DEATH

One cough is all it needs and you know the character has consumption and will surely die before the credits.

HIGH SCHOOLS ALWAYS HAVE BULLIES

But don’t worry. They will always get their comeuppance in the final act.

BEST FRIENDS ARE ALWAYS QUIRKY

Usually a little overweight. Not too bright. Not too good looking. Often a member of an ethnic minority. They will fall out with the hero in Act 3. But they are staunch. In Act 4 they will reappear just when they are needed.

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com

My Book Shelves (9): Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke [5 Jan 2023]

I once wrote a novel about a man called Thomas Post who happened to be (fictionally of course) an international authority on the subject of coincidences. (The novel is, unsurprisingly, titled ‘The Coincidence Authority,’ and it is still available if you are interested.) Anyway. Because of this book, people sometimes send me coincidences that have happened to them. They think I might be interested, and I always am.

But now it is time to share one of my own.

Sometime in around 2006 or 2007 or thereabouts I bought a copy of Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell in paperback from a bookstore at Glasgow Central Station. I needed something to read for the journey home. Now this is a hefty volume (1,006 pages) and I usually run a mile to avoid starting anything over 300 pages (although for exceptions to this rule you may want to read my blog posts on Donna Tartt and John Irving). Nonetheless, something drew me to this book, and I’m dashed if I know what it was. I was aware of the book, but only faintly. It had been Costa shortlisted and had been busy gathering other awards. But I had never planned to buy it. Never expected to read it. Nothing about the cover blurb excited me. I hate travelling with a book that won’t slip into a jacket pocket. And generally I don’t read fantasy.

So why did I buy it? I really don’t know. But by the time my train was passing through Carlisle I was already too hooked to look up and see where I was; and when I had to disembark at Stafford I was resenting the drive home. I wanted so much to read on. This is a story as magical as the characters who inhabit its pages. I rarely read fantasy novels, so I don’t know where this book belongs in the canon, or whether the tropes that populate it are original, or borrowed, or part of a noble tradition. All I know is the quality of the writing, and the depth of characterisation, and the sheer detailed bravura of the magical landscape that Susanna Clarke created make this book a genuine undisputable classic. Clarke litters the text with academic footnotes and even an imaginary bibliography (³ A Complete Description of Dr Pale’s fairy servants, their Names, Histories, Characters and the Services they performed for him by John Segundus pub. By Thomas Burnham Bookseller, Northampton 1799.) She creates a world unlike any other, so rich in its particulars, and rules, that you will never question any conceit. It is a world we already know – or think we know – where Wellington is fighting the Peninsula War and where nineteenth Century mores and manners prevail – but where magicians, like the rock-stars of their age – manipulate the very fabric of reality. And at the heart of the story an age-old professional enmity – the kind of intergenerational abyss we all recognise – as the reckless but brilliant magician Jonathan Strange begins to outstrip the skills and achievements of Norrell, his mentor. I love this book. I turned every page with a sense of awe. Who was Susanna Clarke? How had she done this? How had she created this colossal fictitious citadel?

And now here is the coincidence. I had a good friend at school who was (still is) a writer. His name is Colin Greenland. Among other things he won the Arthur C Clark award for his novel, ‘Take Back Plenty.’ (A brilliant book). We used to talk a lot. But we’d lost touch. Some years had passed since our paths had crossed. We had barely swapped emails for a decade. All I knew was that Colin still lived in Cambridge, we occasionally exchanged Christmas cards, and Colin’s card in recent years had read ‘Colin and Susanna.’ And that was that. Meanwhile the only biographical note that Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell offers on Susanna Clarke is just eleven words long. ‘Susanna Clarke lives in Cambridge. This is her first novel.’ Hmm. Finally the very last line of Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell is an acknowledgement ... ‘and above all to Colin.’ So I dropped Colin an email, and discovered that according to the ‘seven degrees of separation’ rules I was only one connection away from the author of just about the most brilliant novel I’d read for years.

Thomas Post, by the way, would say this isn’t a coincidence. Millions of people read this book, so some are bound to discover a connection to the author. But it feels like a coincidence to me, so I’ll take it.

And as a postscript – if you really can’t face 1,000 pages, may I recommend Piranesi by Susanna Clarke. I don’t want to tell you anything about it. Just that you ought to read it. Another masterpiece. And then have a go at Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell.

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com

AVATAR 2 and The All-American Love Affair with Guns [20 Dec 2022]

There is an old axiom in storytelling known as ‘Chekhov’s Gun.’ The name comes, of course, from Anton Chekhov who wrote, ‘if you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off.’ Well, times have moved on since Chekhov, and I should like to identify a new principle. Let’s call it ‘Hollywood’s Gun.’ It goes like this: ‘If a (generally male) North American film-maker tells a story, he absolutely must include a gun.’

It is strange, isn’t it? Most of us will go through life from cradle to crematorium without a gun ever becoming a central feature of our storyline. But this isn’t true at all in American cinema; and the curious thing is, this visceral American love affair with guns is so ingrained, and so profound, and so much a part of cinema-DNA that I don’t believe film-makers are even aware of it anymore. Guns have simply become an essential and inescapable part of the story, just as much as the character arc, or the love interest, or the final epiphany. Often more so. There must be a driving itch in the screenwriter’s brain that keeps him awake at night until he has written in a gun. And from that point onwards, Chekhov’s rule kicks in and the whole narrative becomes subservient to the gun.

Am I exaggerating this? I don’t think I am. I offer you Exhibit A - Avatar: The Way of Water. (Oh, and by the way I know James Cameron is Canadian, but the gun-mind-virus has clearly infected him too.) Now if ever there was a landscape with a richer potential for stories than Cameron’s fictional planet Pandora, I don’t know what it would be. The artists and designers have created an utterly sumptuous world full of beauty and narrative potential; yet into this cinematic Eden, James Cameron has dropped a lazy western-inspired revenge tale where a mad army colonel armed with unlimited stocks of assault rifles, ammunition, and other assorted weaponry chases down an innocent family armed with bows and arrows. Really? Is that the best Hollywood could do? Sadly, it seems it is. And I suspect that every dire review the film gets is on some level due to the disappointment every reviewer has felt on being served up with another gun-driven narrative.

Guns in films give birth to four lazy memes that crop up so frequently you will readily recognise every one. The first is the ‘deus ex machina,’ hook where Good-Character A is about to be shot by Bad-Character B but is saved by a shot from Unexpected-Offscreen-Character C. It is quite depressing to see this meme show up in Avatar. (The second meme - which Avatar thankfully avoids - is ‘gun-on-the-floor’ where a gun is kicked around, and two fighting protagonists have to wrestle to reach it first. Yawn.) The third meme is especially heinous. This is the ‘good-guys-never-get-hit’ rule, where the hero and his family can duck and weave through streams of machine gun fire, picking off random bad guys, but never catching a bullet themselves. (Man but those automatic weapons in Avatar must be so inaccurate!) Finally however, and most egregious of all, is ‘the Bonanza injury.’ Cinema would have us believe that gun shots don’t do that much damage. Bad guys topple over and die quietly. Good guys take one to the shoulder but carry on bravely. A fatal gunshot on a good guy is an ‘oh dear, I appear to be bleeding,’ situation. (Avatar is guilty of this too.) In reality of course, assault weapons tear moon-sized chunks out of people and leave gore and body parts everywhere.

Can I appeal to Hollywood to find a new generation of directors and screenwriters who aren’t obsessed by guns. Even Titanic has a ‘gun chase’ sequence where (in surely the least believable scene of the film) Billy Zane’s Cal steals a gun and tries to shoot Jack and Rose, firing reckless several times in a chase down the stairway and through the lounge. Thankfully the ‘good-guys-never-get-hit’ rule applies. But was it really necessary in the first place?

In the meantime, Avatar 2 is not an awful film. It should be shorter, but it is perfectly watchable. And beautiful. And I wanted it to be better than it is. But with the biggest budget in cinema history it is a missed opportunity for some real science fiction storytelling, and yet another platform for dull NRA clichés.

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com

My Book Shelves (8): The Jack Reacher Books by Lee Child [15 Dec 2022]

I came late to Jack Reacher. I’ve always been suspicious of the books. Maybe it’s because I bought a James Patterson book once when I was in an airport departure lounge where it was the only English language book for sale and I was desperate. I will never be that desperate again. Next time I’ll simply chew my knuckles down to the bone. It would be preferable to another James Patterson. Anyway. I don’t know why - but I ended up putting Lee Child and James Patterson into the same mental category; maybe it’s because bookshops tend to display them close to one another. Fast forward ten years. In 2019 I found myself in a National Trust second-hand bookshop and in a fit of madness I plucked a Lee Child book from the shelf, and found myself promising to ‘give it a try.’ And now, in the past three years I have read seventeen of them and I still have a few to go. It is like an addiction. I have to pace myself. I can’t let myself finish one book and then scoop up the next. But there they are, delicious and unread on the shelf, and the only sad thing is that I’ll soon have read them all.

So what is it about Lee Child and the Jack Reacher books? They are not great literature (sorry Mr Child). They don’t explore the great themes of the human condition. But they are bloody well written. I feel as if I have to say this twice, because the received wisdom is that this genre of books is a kind of semi-literary canon fodder for people who don’t really read. Bollocks. These are brilliantly written novels. They are technically well constructed and they’re smart. Child has a way of breaking every rule of writing and making it look ok. And they’re page turners. Once you start one, you have to keep going. That is rare in novels these days. At least it is for me.

There is, of course, a certain recipe for a Jack Reacher book – and some ingredients show up almost every time. Reacher rocks up somewhere at random, encounters some bad guys, manages to waste two, three, four – maybe even five guys at once in a brawl, gets the girl, solves the mystery, kills the kingpin, disappears into the sunset. But Lee Child messes with us. There is always an intrigue that takes a while to play out. He gives us some novels in the first person, others in the third. He hops around in time. He fleshes out Reacher’s back story in glimpses here and there. We globetrot. Maybe he doesn’t get the girl. If Lee Child has a formula then he breaks those rules as often as he breaks the rules of writing.

Which is a lot.

There is a sense that everything is finely researched in a Lee Child book – from the workings of obscure guns to the machinations of the CIA. The only certainty is, if you put Reacher in a room with a posse of bad guys, the only person walking out with all limbs and brain intact will be Jack Reacher.

I have heard Lee Child say, in an interview, that he doesn’t plot the stories out. He starts chapter one without any real idea where the story will take us. ‘If it isn’t a surprise for me, how can I expect it to be a surprise for the reader?’ he said. I love that. It is painfully close to my own writing method. My son Jon tells me I write into the dark. I like that expression because that is how it always feels.

Anyway. If ever you find yourself at the airport in Kuwait City forced to choose between James Patterson and Lee Child, do yourself a favour. Pick Jack. Every time.

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com

Hotels: How to get five star ratings from English guests: (A Guide for Hoteliers) [2 Dec 2022]

We English are a stoic lot. We’re not supposed to complain. The stiff upper lip and all that. ‘Mustn’t grumble,’ is a saying we all learned at our mothers’ knees; and so, on the whole, we put up with stuff. But here are some tips for hotel bosses who might be wondering why their English guests never award them five stars on TripAdvisor. It is a short but simple list, and it all relates to breakfast. The English, you see, can overlook noisy bedrooms, cool showers, and lumpy pillows; but breakfast is sacrosanct to us; and so, when you next muse over your unhelpful run of three-star reviews, give some thought to ways you might at least improve your ratings from the Anglo-Saxon customers.

Number 1: Tea

I’ve stayed in a good many hotels around the world – and barely any have a clue how to serve tea (there was a very good hotel in New Delhi that did it excellently – but that was about it.) So here goes:

I. The Pot: Tea is brewed in a teapot. A china teapot. Not a metal pot. Not a mug or a cup. Not a fat earthenware vessel. A glass pot will do if it’s all you have. But fine bone-china is preferred. One pot will do for one person. It should accommodate enough tea for two full cups. For two people travelling as a couple, a large pot that holds four cups is fine for afternoon tea, but at breakfast give them a pot each.

II. Water: Soft water is better if you have it. And the water must be boiling when you add it to the tea. Actually bubbly steamily scarily boiling. Not simply hot. (American hotels invariably bring a mug of warm water and a teabag. I would immediately and without remorse deduct two stars from any review for this. Possibly three. It is unforgivable.)

III. Additional water: an additional pot of boiling water should also be provided. So yes, you need two pots for your solitary English guest. Don’t scowl. This is how it’s done. The guest will add water to the pot (see item I above) to adjust the strength of the tea and to allow for a third cup, if needed (which it usually is).

IV. The tea: tea bags are ok. Pyramid tea bags are better than flat ones. Leaf tea is better still, but even we English know we have to make some concessions. But horrible Lipton’s yellow-label tea bags won’t do. Nor will Tetley’s US brands. They’re probably designed to make iced tea. They make vile tea at breakfast. So do most cheap teas. Dig into your budgets and get some decent tea. You wouldn’t offer your guests cheap instant coffee so don’t offer them yellow packets of sawdust masquerading as tea. Tea Pigs is a good place to start. Or Whittards. Other good quality brands are available. Two tea bags in the pot please. You will need the following teas: English Breakfast (or Yorkshire) tea, Assam, Earl Grey, Darjeeling. You might also want to offer Ceylon tea, and Lapsang Souchon. Don’t run out. And by all means have decaf and herbal infusions too. Some people like them.

V. Milk: should always be available in a small jug.

VI. Cups: at home we all drink tea in mugs. In hotels we want cups and saucers. Sorry

We’ll accept self-service tea so long as the water is boiling and teapots etc are provided as above. But tea delivered to the table is better.

Number 2: Toast

Nobody in the world likes those dreadful conveyor-belt toasters that blaze away for three hours during hotel breakfasts, using as much power as a medium sized nuclear plant. This opinion isn’t limited to your English guests. The machines simply don’t work. Feed your slices in once and you end up with warm bread. Send them around a second time and you get cinders. Consign these devices to the skip and replace them with two or three sensible double pop-up toasters. Then:

I. Butter: abandon those nasty little pats of butter that you have to unwrap. They don’t have enough butter for a single slice. Provide pots of butter for each table. I’ll bet it’s cheaper. It will certainly be more popular.

II. Marmalade: It may only be the English that like marmalade; but boy, do we like it. You will earn so much respect and admiration from your English guests if you provide a decent marmalade – I can’t begin to tell you. Not apricot jam. Not lemon marmalade. Or lime. True orange marmalade is an invention of the gods and essential at breakfast. Best served in a pot with a teaspoon for big gloopy servings – but even it if comes in a tiny annoying jar that’s ok. So long as you let me have three.

III. Marmite: Famously we don’t all like it. But those of us who do will love you for providing it. And you’ll win over Australians too. That’s a bonus.

Number 3: Orange juice

American hotels already do this perfectly. Cold, freshly squeezed orange, served from a jug into a tall glass. Provide other fruits if you insist – but we won’t bother with them.

And there you have it. We’ll put up with pretty much everything else. We generally enjoy your fruit salads, and your cold meats, or your pastries, or your attempts at an English breakfast. We can cope with all of them. Just get the tea and the toast and the orange juice right and you’ll send us off with a smile. And maybe we’ll give you a better review. I will.

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com

My Book Shelves (7): 'The Inimitable Jeeves,' by P.G.Wodehouse [15 Nov 2022]

OK. So we need to talk about P.G.Wodehouse. In particular we need to talk about Jeeves and Wooster. I’m going to make the perfectly reasonable claim that the Jeeves novels (and short stories) represent the epitome of comic fiction. Never been bettered. Never likely to be. Oh, and please don’t try to disagree with me – it will only make me upset. And yes, I know I made almost the same assertion about Damon Runyon, (see my Book Shelves (2)) but I can quite comfortably hold two contradictory views – especially where writing is concerned, and on this I’m indisputably correct – they were both the best. (Curious isn’t it, that Wodehouse and Runyon were contemporaries writing comic fiction during the depression. And a century later no one comes near them.)

Anyway. Jeeves and Wooster. You know who they are. The genius begins with the invention of these two central characters – perhaps the best yin-and-yang contrast in fiction – Bertie Wooster the utterly idiotic, upper-class, put-upon (but generally benign) single man-about-town; and Jeeves the cool-headed, supernaturally intelligent, never to be out-smarted valet. There is a definite bromance going on – a friendship of unequals, that lends itself perfectly to the farcical situation comedies that unravel in the stories. But the second, and greater genius, is Wodehouse’s decision to make Bertie the narrator. Everything is told in Bertie’s voice – and what a voice. It’s a jovial, colloquial, laddish style, wholly belonging to the 1930s (or thereabouts), immediately redolent of the privilege and class of the era, and yet laden with comic potential.

Here are the opening paragraphs of ‘The Inimitable Jeeves.’

Morning, Jeeves," I said.

"Good morning, sir," said Jeeves.

He put the good old cup of tea softly on the table by my bed, and I took a refreshing sip. Just right, as usual. Not too hot, not too sweet, not too weak, not too strong, not too much milk, and not a drop spilled in the saucer. A most amazing cove, Jeeves. So dashed competent in every respect. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I mean to say, take just one small instance. Every other valet I've ever had used to barge into my room in the morning while I was still asleep, causing much misery; but Jeeves seems to know when I'm awake by a sort of telepathy. He always floats in with the cup exactly two minutes after I come to life. Makes a deuce of a lot of difference to a fellow's day.

"How's the weather, Jeeves?"

"Exceptionally clement, sir."

"Anything in the papers?"

"Some slight friction threatening in the Balkans, sir. Otherwise, nothing."

"I say, Jeeves, a man I met at the club last night told me to put my shirt on Privateer for the two o'clock race this afternoon. How about it?"

"I should not advocate it, sir. The stable is not sanguine."

That was enough for me. Jeeves knows. How, I couldn't say, but he knows. There was a time when I would laugh lightly, and go ahead, and lose my little all against his advice, but not now.

"Talking of shirts," I said, "have those mauve ones I ordered arrived yet?"

"Yes, sir. I sent them back."

"Sent them back?"

"Yes, sir. They would not have become you."

I think it’s this blustery Wooster prose that makes TV and film adaptations of the stories slightly disappointing. Of course the screenwriter can give Bertie dialogue in the appropriate style, but you can’t tell the story that way. So don’t waste time with screen versions. You need to go back to the books. Settle down in a corner and try to make sure no one is in earshot (your laughter will annoy them). And give the books a go. Any one will do. Here is some more from the same chapter:

"You were absolutely right about the weather. It is a juicy morning."

"Decidedly, sir."

"Spring and all that."

"Yes, sir."

"In the spring, Jeeves, a livelier iris gleams upon the burnished dove."

"So I have been informed, sir."

"Right ho! Then bring me my whangee, my yellowest shoes, and the old green Homburg. I'm going into the Park to do pastoral dances."

I don't know if you know that sort of feeling you get on these days round about the end of April and the beginning of May, when the sky's a light blue, with cotton-wool clouds, and there's a bit of a breeze blowing from the west? Kind of uplifted feeling. Romantic, if you know what I mean. I'm not much of a ladies' man, but on this particular morning it seemed to me that what I really wanted was some charming girl to buzz up and ask me to save her from assassins or something. So that it was a bit of an anti-climax when I merely ran into young Bingo Little, looking perfectly foul in a crimson satin tie decorated with horseshoes.

Here (below) are just a few of the Jeeves and Wooster books for you to be getting on with. They are all five star novels. And there are plenty more.

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com

My Book Shelves (6): 'Mother Tongue,' by Bill Bryson [2nd Nov 2022]

Is there any subject whatsoever that couldn’t be made a thousand times more interesting by getting Bill Bryson to write a book about it? Truly this man has an awesome talent for taking a mundane – even dull – topic, and crafting it into something fascinating. You find yourself

trapped within the pages of a Bryson book, as engrossed as if it was a Donna Tartt novel. And you feel as bereft at the end. I hardly ever read travel books, and yet I devoured ‘Notes from a Small Island,’ (travels in Britain), ‘Neither Here nor There,’ (Europe), ‘Down Under,’ (Down Under), ‘The Lost Continent,’ (USA), and ‘The Road to Little Dribbling,’ (Britain again) and I’ve even read some of them twice. And ‘A Walk in the Woods,’ the chronicle of Bryson’s failed attempt to conquer the Appalachian Trail is a modern classic. Give the man a subject and he’ll come back at you with a best-selling book; and, damn him, I will probably buy the book while it is still in hardback because I simply won’t be able to wait for the softback. Thus – the human body (‘The Body’), Domesticity (‘At Home’), America in 1927 (‘One Summer’) Shakespeare (‘Shakespeare’) and American English (‘Made in America.’) Oh – and the whole history of science (‘A Short History of Nearly Everything.’) I want to tell you that every one of these is an absolute five-star gem, and I admire the heck out of them.

How does he do it? What is Bryson’s secret recipe? I wish I knew. He comes upon every subject from an oblique angle, and introduces us to odd characters, and follows up with quirky anecdotes, and writes in a folksy style. But he never patronises us. Or belittles his subject. He writes with a delicate balance of respect and irreverence – never quite crossing the line either way. The man is a master of his craft. I have a shelf of his books to prove my devotion.

But I need to pick one; one Bryson book for this blog. And, as it happens, this is an easy task. I pick ‘Mother Tongue.’ It’s quite simply the best exploration of the English language you will ever read. Every page is packed with gems. It’s a travel book of a kind, touring the world’s use of it’s widest spoken language, from ancient Britons to modern creoles via cockney rhymes, swearing, and word origins. It is utterly delicious.

Here's a flavour:

"In the country inns of a small corner of northern Germany, in the spur of land connecting Schleswig-Holstein to Denmark, you can sometimes hear people talking in what sounds eerily like a lost dialect of English. Occasional snatches of it even make sense, as when they say that the “veather ist cold” or inquire of the time by asking, “What ist de clock?” According to Professor Hubertus Menke, head of the German Department at Kiel University, the language is “very close to the way people spoke in Britain more than 1,000 years ago."

Or this:

Some cultures don't swear at all. The Finns, lacking the sort of words you need to describe your feelings when you stub your toe getting up to answer a wrongh number at 2:00 am rather oddly adopted the word 'ravintolassa.' It means 'in the restaurant.'

The dog eared copy in the photo is my own dog-eared copy. I couldn't find an image to steal off Amazon and it worries me that this book might be going out of print. Scour the bookshops. Get yourself a copy. You'll thank me.

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com

A new cover is announced: Der Eisbar und die Hoffnung auf morgen (The Wager and the Bear) [24 Oct 2022]

A gorgeous new cover from those brilliant people at Fischer Verlag. Ready to pre-order. Out on midsummer's day (I think).

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com

My Book Shelves (5): 'Slaughterhouse 5,' by Kurt Vonnegut [22nd Oct 2022]

Slaughterhouse 5 by Kurt Vonnegut: *****

I was eighteen when I first read Slaughterhouse 5. At the time I was reading nothing but science fiction. I had an insatiable appetite for sci fi novels – especially American ones; I could read three or four in a week. And I did. And so, when Slaughterhouse-5 came along I bought the paperback and added it to my pile along with unread Asimovs and Bradburys unaware that this book would change my reading habits forever.

I think I knew the book was about the firebombing of Dresden. But I didn’t give that much thought. It was also about a time traveller and abduction by aliens – so that was all right. Or so I thought.

But right away this was clearly a different book. It starts with this unusual introduction.

So Vonnegut had been there for the fire-bombing as a prisoner of war. Well. I read on.

The first chapter begins:

ALL OF THIS HAPPENED, more or less. The war parts anyway are pretty much true. One guy I knew really was shot in Dresden for taking a teapot that wasn’t his. Another guy I knew really did threaten to have his personal enemies killed by hired gunmen after the war. And so on. I’ve changed all the names.

An odd blurring of fiction and truth then. And right away Vonnegut himself becomes a presence in the story – there as the writer setting this all down, offering us his own wry observations about life, and politics, and the state of the world. Later in that first chapter, Vonnegut tells us he found it hard to write about his experiences in Dresden.

“I thought it would be easy for me to write about the destruction of Dresden, since all I would have to do would be to report what I had seen. And I thought too that it would be a masterpiece or at least make me a lot of money, since the subject was so big. But not many words about Dresden came from my mind… And not many words come now either.”

Slaughterhouse 5 then, appears to be Vonnegut’s way of making amends with his memory. Writing about a night when 45 thousand people (or more) were killed was simply too painful. Instead, he gives us a science fiction tale – the story of Billy Pilgrim – an optometrist - who has become unstuck in time after being abducted by aliens from the planet Tralfamadore. Time for these aliens is a fluid concept, and so it has become for Pilgrim. And so he visits incidents in his own life, like a mosaic, randomly discovering himself in old age, and then again in youth, and then again in Dresden. It is easy to argue that Vonnegut robbed the story of some of its force with this narrative device; but he also sets it into perspective – the perspective of a whole life with its highs and lows and dreadful mistakes.

Perhaps the most revolutionary thing about Slaughterhouse 5 is not the content, but the style. Vonnegut speaks to us directly. He gives us short paragraphs. Short sentences. Vignettes of a scene. Asides. Sometimes paragraphs end with the writer’s own resignation of defeat – ‘So it goes.’

I’ve read a lot more Vonnegut since. Nothing else is as good. Most of the titles I barely remember. But Slaughterhouse 5 was, if not the last pulp sci fi novel I read, certainly the reason I drifted away from the genre in my twenties. I found something in this book that made me want more than fanciful ideas and aliens. Slaughterhouse 5 didn't make me a writer. But it did make me a reader.

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com