More Movie Cliches ... [31 March 2023]

Back in January I wrote a blog post bemoaning lazy cliches in movies and on TV. https://notablebrain.blogspot.com/2023/01/movie-cliches-tropes-and-memes.html This, in turn, was prompted by an earlier blog post grumbling about the gun-related cliches in the new Avatar movie. https://notablebrain.blogspot.com/2022/12/avatar-2-and-all-american-love-affair.html

Well, as often happens, those posts got me noticing plenty more lazy cliches that movie makers use; so here, just for you, are a few of them. You’re welcome…

1. PSYCHO KILLERS ALWAYS PASTE THEIR BEDROOM WALLS WITH NEWS CUTTINGS. When the cop finally stumbles into the lair of the serial killer/psycho that’s how we know they’ve found the bad guy.

2. OLDER COPS ARE JUST ABOUT TO RETIRE. One extra case eh…

3. SENIOR COPS ALWAYS BAWL OUT THE GOOD COP. This seems to be a rule. There is always a more senior cop usually with a glass fronted office that looks over the incident room, and he (or she) is NEVER pleased with the way the case is going, never says, ‘well done,’ usually threatens to take the good cop’s badge, and generally pulls the good cop off the case.

4. IF THE SENIOR COP ALSO HAS A BOSS, THAT BOSS WILL BE BENT

5. COPS NEVER CATCH ANYONE IN A CAR CHASE. Did you ever see a car chase where the cops catch the guy they’re chasing, even if they throw a hundred cars at it? No. The guy (who is being chased by cops usually because of a misunderstanding) always gets away.

6. WRITERS ALWAYS WEAR SPECS. Also they either live in a cabin by a lake or in a New York apartment. 

7. HEROES ARE NEVER HAPPILY MARRIED. Usually the wife has died. Or else they’ve had an undeserved separation. Whatever, they are now available but only reluctantly.

8. TEENAGE SONS ARE ALWAYS REBELLIOUS. If the hero dad gives his teenage son an order, you know the son will flagrantly ignore it in the next scene. But in the end the teenage son comes good, sees the errors of his ways, and makes up with the dad.

9. TEENAGE DAUGHTERS ARE ALWAYS SUPER SMART AND USUALLY ABOUT TO GO TO HARVARD.

10. DOCTORS ARE ALWAYS READY TO TELL YOU HOW LONG YOU HAVE TO LIVE. AND IT’S USUALLY JUST SIX MONTHS. But protagonists with six months left always look reasonably fit, they don’t spend the six months suffering in bed, they get out there and fight the bad guys.

11. NIGHTCLUBS/SEEDY DIVES ALWAYS HAVE A STRIPPER IN THE BACKGROUND, BUT NOBODY IS ACTUALLY WATCHING HER

12. IF A MOVIE STARTS WITH A HAPPY COUPLE MOVING INTO A NEW HOME, YOU KNOW IT WON’T TURN OUT WELL.

13. IF A MOVIE INVOLVES A SINGLE PERSON MOVING INTO A REMOTE CABIN IN THE WOODS, THEN DITTO.

14. MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS WILL ALWAYS QUARREL

15. THE HERO COP/DETECTIVE WILL CASUALLY SPOT A CLUE THAT THE WHOLE CSI TEAM HAVE OVERLOOKED. Hmm. I wonder who left this cigarette butt …

16. IF A SCENE TAKES PLACE IN PARIS, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ABLE TO SEE THE EIFFEL TOWER IN THE BACKGROUND OR THROUGH A WINDOW. In London it’s usually Big Ben.

17. THE BAD GUY’S HENCHMEN DIE FIRST. Finally he’s the last one left alive, but he’s also the trickiest to kill. Also, have you noticed; henchmen never have any lines. No henchman ever has a wisecrack, or says something poignant while dying. A shot henchman simply does the decent thing and dies quickly and quietly. Also where does the bad guy find all these henchmen? Are they amazingly well paid? Do they get paid holidays? Do they grumble over their conditions of employment?  Why are they always happy to do as they are told even when it looks as if they’ll die doing it? Why do they never say: ‘hey, this isn’t my fight. Leave me out of it.’ And on that subject ...  

18. HELICOPTER PILOTS EMPLOYED BY VILLAINS ARE STUPIDLY RECKLESS. Where do you employ a guy who is happy to fly a helicopter into such a dangerous situation that he and his helicopter will end up as a massive fireball? There must be an agency somewhere specialising in suicidal pilots ...

19. THE UNIFORM ON THE PEG/DEAD GUY IS ALWAYS A PERFECT FIT WHEN SOMEONE ELSE NEEDS IT. We never see a character struggling to get into a stolen uniform. A side door just opens and out they step, dressed up. And amazingly no one will question them.

20. WHEN THE BAD GUY GETS HIS CHANCE TO KILL THE GOOD GUY HE ALWAYS CHOOSES NOT TO. Why would you do that?

21. BIG PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES ARE ALWAYS EVIL. So are the billionaire owners of social media and tech companies except for Stark Industries

22. IT IS REALLY EASY TO KNOCK SOMEONE UNCONSCIOUS. If you’re cool and you know how.

23. IT IS REALLY EASY TO KICK DOWN A DOOR. If you’re cool and you know how.

24. IT IS REALLY EASY TO SNATCH A GUN OUT OF AN ANTAGONIST’S HAND. If you’re cool and you know how.

25. IT IS REALLY EASY TO HACK INTO JUST ABOUT ANY COMPUTER. If you’re uncool and a nerd hacker.

26. IT IS ALWAYS EASY TO PARK. There is always a convenient space.

27. GIRL WAKES UP IN BED – WONDERS WHERE HER LOVER FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE HAS GONE – DON’T WORRY – HE’S COOKING UP BREAKFAST. And actually he’s an amazing cook. Who would have guessed?

28. IF THERE IS A POKER GAME – SOMEONE WILL ALWAYS HAVE AN UNBELIEVABLE HAND. One protagonist has a once in a lifetime hand. But what do you know. Someone else at the table has a better one.

29. IF THERE IS A CHESS GAME IN PLAY, IT IS ONLY EVER ONE MOVE AWAY FROM CHECKMATE.

30. IT ONLY TAKES A SECOND TO PAY FOR A CAB. Movie people just pass over a banknote and get out without speaking.

31. IF YOU CHASE ANYONE DOWN AN ESCALATOR AT A TUBE STATION, GUESS WHAT? THERE WILL BE A TRAIN RIGHT THERE AT THE PLATFORM (OR JUST ARRIVING) FOR THEM TO HOP ONTO. Yet whenever I run down an escalator at a tube station I find I just missed the train. 

32. THE HERO ALWAYS MISSES HIS DAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAY PARTY / CONCERT. It isn't his fault. He'll be forgiven at the end.

I'm beginning to think this is an almost endless seam to be mined. If you've spotted any more lazy tropes, let me know, or drop them into the comments. I daresay I'll keep noticing them. 

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com 

The Key to a Great Safari: A Great Safari Guide [9 March 2023]

Paul Mbugua

I wanted to avoid an organised safari. You know the sort of thing - the luxury experience plucked from a glossy brochure where you’re dropped into a fabulous safari resort from a shiny light aircraft and you float over Samburu in a balloon, and, ‘here’s your agenda – it’s eight o’clock – let’s go and see the lions. Oh. And here’s the bill. You’re going to need a mortgage.’

But what’s the alternative? Safaris are expensive. They’re complicated. They don’t always go to plan.

Well I thought I knew the alternative. We were travelling with friends and that would spread the costs. I would plan our safari myself. It would be way cheaper. I knew Kenya. I knew where I wanted to go. So I googled safari lodges, and I read online reviews, and I worked out an itinerary that would suit us. We’d do Nairobi National Park and the elephant orphanage. We’d visit Lake Naivasha, and Crescent Island, and Hell’s Gate. We’d stay at Lake Nakuru for the flamingos. We’d go on to the Masai Mara and we’d spend time in the conservancies as well as the Mara Triangle. It would be awesome.

And so I booked it. Six hotels/lodges. Twelve days.  I flirted briefly with the idea of self-drive but quickly abandoned it. I contacted Rhino Safaris because I trust them. I wrote to Lacty, the owner, at info.nbo@rhinosafaris.net . And I told him I needed a good safari land-cruiser and a first class guide for ten days.

Readers – that is what we got. And it reminded me how essential a great guide is for a good safari. Paul Mbugua was more than a first class guide and an excellent driver – he was a splendid travelling companion too. His knowledge of Kenyan wildlife and geology is astonishing. And considering he was ferrying two smart-ass zoologists, and a geologist, including one who felt he knew it all already (that would be me) he still had a whole lot to teach us. Crucially he had enthusiasm. In spades. He would urge us to set off early and return home late and it always paid off. Once we did two back-to-back nine hour days and he never tried to rush us, or to set off before we had seen what we wanted to see. He persuaded us several times to change our agenda. Once was to break with the plan and visit Lake Elementeita. What a good decision that was. Another time we swapped days around because he’d picked up rumours of a leopard. Another good decision. His knowledge of every park was amazing. And the only time we flummoxed him was when we told him we wanted to visit Mount Suswa for the caves on the way back to Nairobi. Well, he’d never done that trip before. So he hired a guide too. This time a Masai guide called Kiano (kianosempui2018@gmail.com ) And what a trip that was.

Would I recommend a self-booked safari? Absolutely I would. It will be half the cost. And you stay in control.  I suggest you call Lacty. And make sure you ask for Paul. (Paul's whatsapp is +254 723 266 401). And for Suswa drop a mail to Kiano. And make sure you send me some photos.  Here are some of mine. 

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com 

Kiano Sempui

Lake Elementeita

Nairobi: Was it right to go back? [3 March 2023]

At Kenton ...

The Stanley

Nairobi

Back in January I shared, on this blog, my anxieties about going back to Nairobi. ‘Never Go Back,’ was the advice so many people gave me. I grew up in Nairobi you see. I once knew every city street, and shop, and market stall. I was comfortable prattling in Swahili. I felt as if this city was part of my identity; somehow encoded into my very DNA. But fifty years have passed. I’ve lived in England since 1971. It’s a different time now. Hugely different. Someone warned me that the Nairobi I left was a city of half a million people; the Nairobi I was set to visit had five million. ‘Don’t go back was his advice.’

So did I do the right thing?

Memories are curious things aren’t they? If you live in a place all your life, your recollections of that place evolve along with the landscape as the years pass. But if instead, one day, you simply get up and leave, your memories become frozen in time. Going back is like owning a precious vase, but alas, the paintings on the vase are fading. Someone offers you a brand-new vase with bright new paintwork. But if you accept it, you have to smash the old one. What should you do?

Well of course, I went back. I smashed the old vase. (We took a safari holiday with friends. I will blog about that sometime soon.) And guess what? I didn’t regret a moment. Yes, it was strange. Embakazi Airport (Now Jomo Kenyatta International) once the size of a high-school science block and comfortably out of town, is now a huge complex bristling with dozens of airplanes and now it is buried in a suburb of high-rise buildings, and the roads into town are giant freeways and the traffic is terrible. But I found this exciting. Not depressing. I knew the moment I stepped out of the plane I was going to love this place. It was still Nairobi. (Perhaps that was the biggest surprise.) Lots of the city is still absolutely recognisable. But even if it wasn’t, there is something ineffable about this city, something I can’t quite describe or explain, that stamps this place and its people with its mark and makes it simply the best and most exciting city in the world. It’s a noisy, chaotic, colourful, amazing place. Still. Thank goodness.

We stayed the first three nights at Masai Lodge – a safari lodge in the National Park (a lovely place about an hour out of town. I’d recommend it. Say hi to Cedric on the reception desk for me if you go there.) And we stayed the last few nights at The Stanley. Good choices both. I’ve wanted to stay at the Stanley all my life and it didn’t disappoint. And I visited my old school (Kenton College) and had a very warm welcome there. It was emotional. I watched a mixed-sex and multi-race group of kids doing football practice on the very field where I once played (in an exclusively-white-male school), and it brought a lump to my throat. I used my fifty year old memory to navigate through the streets past the market and the University and the Norfolk Hotel to the snake park (beware there is a new highway in the way) – and hey presto the snake park itself is unchanged in almost every way. Even the black mambas are in the same tank.

It was wonderful. It was cathartic. I left my fellow travellers at the pool on our final afternoon and I took a walk around the city centre on my own, and soaked up the magic and replayed my memories, and relished all that was new and all that was unchanged. So yes – the old vase is smashed; but I love the new one too. And my advice if you, like me, have been away for too long, is very very simple. Go back. It’s wonderful.  

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com 

Unchanged - The Snake Park

Nairobi

Nairobi

My Book Shelves (11): In the Shadow of Man by Jane Goodall [19 Jan 2023]

The first time I read Jane Goodall’s ‘In the Shadow of Man,’ I was studying zoology at university, and this was one of our course-books. I was expecting a dry, academic tome. What I discovered was the intensely personal autobiography of a young English woman and a detailed account of the family of chimpanzees that accepted her into their fold. It is a book that has never left me, and I have re-read it several times. One feature that makes In the Shadow of Man so compelling is the family-tree of chimp faces that appears on the flyleaf. It is impossible to read the book without regularly consulting this handy guide to the chimps in the troop. Goodall was twenty-seven when she started work at Gombe Stream National Park in Tanzania. It was 1960. For years she lived in the park, spending most of her daylight hours with the chimps. She is said, to this day, to be the only human ever to have been accepted into a chimpanzee group, and for almost two years she was the lowest ranking member of the Kasakela troop.

Almost every aspect of Jane Goodall’s work with chimpanzees was pioneering when she started, and not always welcomed by the scientific community. The idea that a researcher should live among a group of wild apes was considered rather shocking, especially if the researcher was young, blonde, and female. But Goodall’s most unconventional idea, perhaps, was to give her chimps names. This annoyed traditional primatologists who accused her of becoming emotionally attached to the animals. Today it is common practice for zoologists to name animals, especially primates, and the names Goodall gave to the Gombe chimps helped to bring their stories to a worldwide audience in a way that would never have happened had they been Chimp A or Chimp B. I still remember with affection the names of the chimps from In the Shadow of Man – David Greybeard, Goliath, Flo, Fifi, and Flint.  

The Family Tree from In the Shadow of Man

I've been working on a novel, on and off, that may or may not ever see the light of day. It draws heavily from 'In the Shadow of Man.' At present my title for this book is Girl/Ape. It is the entirely fictional story of a young woman who lives with a troop of wild chimpanzees. I'm 38 thousand words in; but who knows. I shall let you know how it goes.

Sue and I have been lucky enough to meet Jane Goodall twice on her UK lecture tours, and both times her stories have brought us to tears. If you want to learn more about Jane Goodall I heartily recommend In the Shadow of Man, along with ‘My Life with the Chimpanzees’ and ‘Through a Window: 30 Years with the Chimpanzees of Gombe.’  You might also like to subscribe to the Jane Goodall Institute’s YouTube channel.

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com 

My Book Shelves (10): The Asterix books by Goscinny and Uderzo [18 Jan 2023]

 It is the year 50BC. After a long struggle, Gaul has been conquered by the Romans. All Gaul is occupied.  All? No. One village still holds out stubbornly against the invaders…

And there it is. The simple conceit that launched over forty books, a theme park,  a film franchise, and one of the most enduring partnerships in graphic literature – Asterix and Obelix – the indefatigable (and indomitable) warriors of the little Gaulish village we have come to know so well. If you’ve never encountered Asterix – where have you been?  Surely no one can have escaped at least a passing acquaintance with the books.  In a 1999 poll by Le Monde, 'Asterix the Gaul' was voted 23^rd greatest book of the 20^th Century. And it isn’t even the best of the canon. Not by a very long chalk.  But it was the first,  published in 1959 (and in English translation a decade later.)

Some of my dog-eared Asterix books ...

I’ve been a fan since … well, since a teacher at my school gave us untranslated versions of the books to encourage us to read in French. I was about twelve. I dare say couldn’t make head or tail of the language. But the pictures themselves are enough to draw you in. And then one day I discovered Asterix and Cleopatra in English and that was it. I was hooked. And I have been ever since.

Where do I begin to catalogue everything that makes the Asterix books such works of unrivalled genius?  They are funny, witty, touching, and beautifully drawn. They mercilessly lampoon every national stereotype in a way (and to an extent) you probably couldn’t get away with now. They are charming. Original. Clever. And above all they are great stories.

But I need to make an important distinction here. My unrequited love for these books is limited to the first 24 volumes – those written by written by René Goscinny and illustrated by Albert Uderzo (and translated by Anthea Bell and Derek Hockeridge) until Goscinny’s death in 1977. These are:

1.     Asterix the Gaul

2.     Asterix and the Golden Sickle

3.     Asterix and the Goths

4.     Asterix the Gladiator

5.     Asterix and the Banquet

6.     Asterix and Cleopatra

7.     Asterix and the Big Fight

8.     Asterix and the In Britain

9.     Asterix and the Normans

10.  Asterix The Legionary

11.    Asterix and the Chieftain's Shield

12.   Asterix at the Olympic Games

13.   Asterix and the Cauldron

14.   Asterix In Spain

15.   Asterix and the Roman Agent

16.   Asterix in Switzerland

17.   Asterix and the Mansions of the Gods

18.   Asterix and the Laurel Wreath

19.   Asterix and the Soothsayer

20. Asterix In Corsica

21.   Asterix and Caesar's Gift

22.  Asterix and the Great Crossing

23.  Obelix and Co.

24.  Asterix in Belgium

After Rene Goscinny’s death Albert Uderzo ploughed on alone, writing and drawing the books. The eight books Uderzo created are not nearly so good. I possess them all – of course. But who, if anyone, really enjoyed Asterix and the Actress? Or the Falling Sky? The books are a poor imitation of the first 24 – and oddly even the drawings aren't as good. In 2013 an agreement was made with Uderzo and the estate of Goscinny for a new writer and illustrator to take over. Enter Jean-Yves Ferri as writer, and Didier Conrad as illustrator. The books were better than Uderzo’s solo efforts. Asterix and the Picts was even quite good. But they too have failed to hit the highwater mark of books like Asterix the Legionary or Asterix in Corsica.

I give you below, the opening page of Asterix in Spain. If you can show me a better opening page of any book, I should like to see it.

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com 

Never go Back. Should I revisit Nairobi? Or not? [13 Jan 2023]

 Never go back. I’ve been given that piece of advice plenty of  times, by lots of different people, but always with reference to one particular place. Nairobi. The city where I was born. Where I went to primary school. Where I went to prep school. Where I lived until I was seventeen.

Never go back.

I get it. I do. I understand why you should never go back. Memories are fragile enough as it is, why spoil them? Everything will have changed. I left Nairobi in 1971, and when I did, I felt as if I knew every street corner, every shop and bar and café and market stall. I knew the bus routes, and the clubs, and the museum, and the National Park. I was a regular at the Impala Club, and at Dam Busters, and the Snake Park, and the animal orphanage. I knew my way unaided around the city maze. I used to sit at a table in the Thorn Tree Café at the New Stanley Hotel and spot celebrities with my big sister. I was on first name terms with the man who ran Top Ten Records on Kimathi Street, and with the Sikh who ran the camera shop next to the market, and with several owners of second-hand bookstores all along Bazaar Street. I knew the best stall to buy mealies and the best place to get cut pineapple.  My little brother Paul and I used to take the lift to the top of the highest building (then the Hilton Hotel) and climb the service staircase to the roof and we’d sit there watching the whole city at our feet. It was our city. That was how it felt.

Me at Kenton College in around 1966. I'm the miserable looking one - second to the right on the front row. 

There is still a city called Nairobi, and it still stands in the same place - midway between Mombasa and Kisumu on the great railroad - but it isn’t the same city. I understand that. I look at the city on Google Streetview and nowhere is recognisable. I try to find the several old colonial bungalows where we lived at various times between 1958 and 1971, and I can’t find them. The houses all have high walls now. Nothing looks familiar.

Never go back.

But should I? Won’t I get a frisson of pleasure from recognising the occasional place? Surely my old school won’t have changed very much. Surely the Impala Club is still there. And the hippo pool in the National Park. And the museum. And the Stanley Hotel …

Well it’s a moot question. I’m going back. Next month. With Sue and with our good friends Graham and Jenny.  Feel free to send me your advice. Places to see. Places to avoid. I will blog about the trip and let you know how it was. But I can tell you this already. Four weeks to go and I’m already ridiculously excited.

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com 

Movie Clichés (tropes and memes). And why it's time to stop them. [13 Jan 2023]

I wrote a blog post last month about ‘Avatar 2 (The Way of Water)’ and I used this post to bemoan the prevalence of lazy movie memes – especially memes that involve guns. But maybe, on reflection, ‘meme’ wasn’t the right word. Some people, I’ve discovered, call these things ‘tropes,’ which makes them sound almost respectable. But I’m starting to think of them as clichés. When a hero is rescued by a gunshot from an offscreen character (the Deus ex Machina escape) this is surely nothing more than a lazy cliché – predictable, unoriginal, overused, and boring. 

Clichés take the fun out of movies. They tell you, 'here is an unoriginal screenwriter and an unimaginative director and a studio that is happy to rerun old ideas.' It is time for us, the movie-watching public, to call out these mind numbing practices.  So I thought I might use this blog post to start a collection of these clichés, and I shall add to it when I come across new ones. Feel free to contribute movie clichés that annoy you – just drop them into the comments and I’ll add them on. Here are a few to get us started.

 

HEROES ALWAYS RUN FROM AN EXPLOSION WITH NOT A SECOND TO SPARE

THE TV NEWS FLASH IS ALWAYS RELEVANT

If the TV is on in the background of a scene, and the news is on (or there’s a news flash) – you can be absolutely certain this news item will be central to the story that is about to unfold. Particularly if it happens in Act 1. No other story will be aired and the characters will turn off the TV before the football results come on.

LESSONS ARE ALWAYS INTERRUPTEFD BY THE BELL

If a character is a teacher or a professor we will join them in class, but only for the last few minutes of class up until the point where they are interrupted by the bell. Never midway through. During the few minutes we see, the teacher/professor will expound upon a theory that will prove central to the story that is about to unfold. Particularly if it happens in Act 1. Usually he/she will be interrupted by a smartass student with a smartass question. This student will turn out to be the hero or the nemesis of the story.

THE DOG WILL DIE

There’s a dog! Oh dear. He’s going to die. Or go missing.

PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS WILL BE OVERHEARD

Two characters share their suspicions about a third character. Big mistake. The third character will be standing silently out of sight listening to everything.

DUCTS ARE EVERYWHERE

Every spaceship / building / ship / prison will have a network of ducts that are just wide enough to crawl through. Each duct has a cover with just two screws. A character can also use a duct to eavesdrop on conversations (see previous cliché).

BOMB TIMERS ARE REALLY HELPFUL

For no known reason, bomb makers helpfully include a digital count-down timer (even when they don’t expect anyone to be there to be there to see it.) The bomb maker is never smart enough to have triggered the bomb at any point on the countdown except zero. This is lucky because generally the hero will defuse the bomb with just three seconds to go.  

COSTUME DRAMA DRESSES NEVER GET MUDDY

God knows there must have been a lot of mud. But long dresses stay clean.

DETECTIVES LIVE IN ICONIC HOMES

Usually by water. Or in a trailer. Or a boat. Or somewhere spectacular. Never in an apartment block or on a dull estate.

NO ONE SAYS GOODBYE ON PHONE CALLS

They just hang up. Rude.

IT WAS ALL A DREAM

This cliché annoys me more than any other. We think we’re watching a bona-fide scene in the movie. Dreadful things happen. They get worse. Oh my god! But then the protagonist awakes. Phwew! It was only a dream.  

DRIVERS LOOK AT THEIR PASSENGERS WHILE TALKING

If a car driver has five lines of dialogue, he/she will deliver this whole spiel while looking directly at the passenger, and the passenger will never panic or say ‘keep your eyes on the road.’

COUGHING IN A COSTUME DRAMA MEANS DEATH

One cough is all it needs and you know the character has consumption and will surely die before the credits.

HIGH SCHOOLS ALWAYS HAVE BULLIES

But don’t worry. They will always get their comeuppance in the final act.

BEST FRIENDS ARE ALWAYS QUIRKY

Usually a little overweight. Not too bright. Not too good looking. Often a member of an ethnic minority. They will fall out with the hero in Act 3. But they are staunch. In Act 4 they will reappear just when they are needed.

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com 

My Book Shelves (9): Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke [5 Jan 2023]

I once wrote a novel about a man called Thomas Post who happened to be (fictionally of course) an international authority on the subject of coincidences. (The novel is, unsurprisingly, titled ‘The Coincidence Authority,’ and it is still available if you are interested.) Anyway. Because of this book, people sometimes send me coincidences that have happened to them. They think I might be interested, and I always am.

But now it is time to share one of my own.

Sometime in around 2006 or 2007 or thereabouts I bought a copy of Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell in paperback from a bookstore at Glasgow Central Station. I needed something to read for the journey home. Now this is a hefty volume (1,006 pages) and I usually run a mile to avoid starting anything over 300 pages (although for exceptions to this rule you may want to read my blog posts on Donna Tartt and John Irving). Nonetheless, something drew me to this book, and I’m dashed if I know what it was. I was aware of the book, but only faintly. It had been Costa shortlisted and had been busy gathering other awards. But I had never planned to buy it. Never expected to read it. Nothing about the cover blurb excited me. I hate travelling with a book that won’t slip into a jacket pocket. And generally I don’t read fantasy.

So why did I buy it? I really don’t know. But by the time my train was passing through Carlisle I was already too hooked to look up and see where I was; and when I had to disembark at Stafford I was resenting the drive home. I wanted so much to read on. This is a story as magical as the characters who inhabit its pages. I rarely read fantasy novels, so I don’t know where this book belongs in the canon, or whether the tropes that populate it are original, or borrowed, or part of a noble tradition. All I know is the quality of the writing, and the depth of characterisation, and the sheer detailed bravura of the magical landscape that Susanna Clarke created make this book a genuine undisputable classic. Clarke litters the text with academic footnotes and even an imaginary bibliography (³ A Complete Description of Dr Pale’s fairy servants, their Names, Histories, Characters and the Services they performed for him by John Segundus pub. By Thomas Burnham Bookseller, Northampton 1799.)  She creates a world unlike any other, so rich in its particulars, and rules, that you will never question any conceit. It is a world we already know – or think we know – where Wellington is fighting the Peninsula War and where nineteenth Century mores and manners prevail – but where magicians, like the rock-stars of their age – manipulate the very fabric of reality. And at the heart of the story an age-old professional enmity – the kind of intergenerational abyss we all recognise – as the reckless but brilliant magician Jonathan Strange begins to outstrip the skills and achievements of Norrell, his mentor. I love this book.  I turned every page with a sense of awe. Who was Susanna Clarke? How had she done this? How had she created this colossal fictitious citadel?

And now here is the coincidence. I had a good friend at school who was (still is) a writer. His name is Colin Greenland. Among other things he won the Arthur C Clark award for his novel, ‘Take Back Plenty.’ (A brilliant book). We used to talk a lot. But we’d lost touch. Some years had passed since our paths had crossed. We had barely swapped emails for a decade. All I knew was that Colin still lived in Cambridge, we occasionally exchanged Christmas cards, and Colin’s card in recent years had read ‘Colin and Susanna.’ And that was that. Meanwhile the only biographical note that Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell offers on Susanna Clarke is just eleven words long. ‘Susanna Clarke lives in Cambridge. This is her first novel.’ Hmm. Finally the very last line of Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell is an acknowledgement ... ‘and above all to Colin.’  So I dropped Colin an email, and discovered that according to the ‘seven degrees of separation’ rules I was only one connection away from the author of just about the most brilliant novel I’d read for years.     

Thomas Post, by the way, would say this isn’t a coincidence. Millions of people read this book, so some are bound to discover a connection to the author. But it feels like a coincidence to me, so I’ll take it.

And as a postscript – if you really can’t face 1,000 pages, may I recommend Piranesi by Susanna Clarke. I don’t want to tell you anything about it. Just that you ought to read it. Another masterpiece. And then have a go at Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell. 

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com 

AVATAR 2 and The All-American Love Affair with Guns [20 Dec 2022]

There is an old axiom in storytelling known as ‘Chekhov’s Gun.’ The name comes, of course, from Anton Chekhov who wrote, ‘if you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off.’   Well, times have moved on since Chekhov, and I should like to identify a new principle. Let’s call it ‘Hollywood’s Gun.’ It goes like this: ‘If a (generally male) North American film-maker tells a story, he absolutely must include a gun.’ 

It is strange, isn’t it? Most of us will go through life from cradle to crematorium without a gun ever becoming a central feature of our storyline. But this isn’t true at all in American cinema; and the curious thing is, this visceral American love affair with guns is so ingrained, and so profound, and so much a part of cinema-DNA that I don’t believe film-makers are even aware of it anymore. Guns have simply become an essential and inescapable part of the story, just as much as the character arc, or the love interest, or the final epiphany. Often more so. There must be a driving itch in the screenwriter’s brain that keeps him awake at night until he has written in a gun. And from that point onwards, Chekhov’s rule kicks in and the whole narrative becomes subservient to the gun.

Am I exaggerating this? I don’t think I am. I offer you Exhibit A - Avatar: The Way of Water. (Oh, and by the way I know James Cameron is Canadian, but the gun-mind-virus has clearly infected him too.) Now if ever there was a landscape with a richer potential for stories than Cameron’s fictional planet Pandora, I don’t know what it would be. The artists and designers have created an utterly sumptuous world full of beauty and narrative potential; yet into this cinematic Eden, James Cameron has dropped a lazy western-inspired revenge tale where a mad army colonel armed with unlimited stocks of assault rifles, ammunition, and other assorted weaponry chases down an innocent family armed with bows and arrows. Really? Is that the best Hollywood could do?  Sadly, it seems it is. And I suspect that every dire review the film gets is on some level due to the disappointment every reviewer has felt on being served up with another gun-driven narrative.  

Guns in films give birth to four lazy memes that crop up so frequently you will readily recognise every one. The first is the ‘deus ex machina,’ hook where Good-Character A is about to be shot by Bad-Character B but is saved by a shot from Unexpected-Offscreen-Character C. It is quite depressing to see this meme show up in Avatar.  (The second meme - which Avatar thankfully avoids - is ‘gun-on-the-floor’ where a gun is kicked around, and two fighting protagonists have to wrestle to reach it first. Yawn.) The third meme is especially heinous. This is the ‘good-guys-never-get-hit’ rule, where the hero and his family can duck and weave through streams of machine gun fire, picking off random bad guys, but never catching a bullet themselves. (Man but those automatic weapons in Avatar must be so inaccurate!) Finally however, and most egregious of all, is ‘the Bonanza injury.’ Cinema would have us believe that gun shots don’t do that much damage. Bad guys topple over and die quietly. Good guys take one to the shoulder but carry on bravely. A fatal gunshot on a good guy is an ‘oh dear, I appear to be bleeding,’ situation. (Avatar is guilty of this too.) In reality of course, assault weapons tear moon-sized chunks out of people and leave gore and body parts everywhere.

Can I appeal to Hollywood to find a new generation of directors and screenwriters who aren’t obsessed by guns. Even Titanic has a ‘gun chase’ sequence where (in surely the least believable scene of the film) Billy Zane’s Cal steals a gun and tries to shoot Jack and Rose, firing reckless several times in a chase down the stairway and through the lounge. Thankfully the ‘good-guys-never-get-hit’ rule applies. But was it really necessary in the first place?

In the meantime, Avatar 2 is not an awful film. It should be shorter, but it is perfectly watchable. And beautiful. And I wanted it to be better than it is. But with the biggest budget in cinema history it is a missed opportunity for some real science fiction storytelling, and yet another platform for dull NRA clichés.    

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com 

My Book Shelves (8): The Jack Reacher Books by Lee Child [15 Dec 2022]

I came late to Jack Reacher. I’ve always been suspicious of the books. Maybe it’s because I bought a James Patterson book once when I was in an airport departure lounge where it was the only English language book for sale and I was desperate. I will never be that desperate again. Next time I’ll simply chew my knuckles down to the bone. It would be preferable to another James Patterson. Anyway. I don’t know why - but I ended up putting Lee Child and James Patterson into the same mental category; maybe it’s because bookshops tend to display them close to one another. Fast forward ten years. In 2019 I found myself in a National Trust second-hand bookshop and in a fit of madness I plucked a Lee Child book from the shelf, and found myself promising to ‘give it a try.’  And now, in the past three years I have read seventeen of them and I still have a few to go. It is like an addiction. I have to pace myself. I can’t let myself finish one book and then scoop up the next. But there they are, delicious and unread on the shelf, and the only sad thing is that I’ll soon have read them all.

So what is it about Lee Child and the Jack Reacher books? They are not great literature (sorry Mr Child). They don’t explore the great themes of the human condition. But they are bloody well written. I feel as if I have to say this twice, because the received wisdom is that this genre of books is a kind of semi-literary canon fodder for people who don’t really read. Bollocks. These are brilliantly written novels. They are technically well constructed and they’re smart. Child has a way of breaking every rule of writing and making it look ok.   And they’re page turners. Once you start one, you have to keep going. That is rare in novels these days. At least it is for me.

There is, of course, a certain recipe for a Jack Reacher book – and some ingredients show up almost every time. Reacher rocks up somewhere at random, encounters some bad guys, manages to waste two, three, four – maybe even five guys at once in a brawl, gets the girl, solves the mystery, kills the kingpin, disappears into the sunset. But Lee Child messes with us. There is always an intrigue that takes a while to play out. He gives us some novels in the first person, others in the third. He hops around in time. He fleshes out Reacher’s back story in glimpses here and there. We globetrot. Maybe he doesn’t get the girl. If Lee Child has a formula then he breaks those rules as often as he breaks the rules of writing.

Which is a lot.

There is a sense that everything is finely researched in a Lee Child book  – from the workings of obscure guns to the machinations of the CIA. The only certainty is, if you put Reacher in a room with a posse of bad guys, the only person walking out with all limbs and brain intact will be Jack Reacher.

I have heard Lee Child say, in an interview, that he doesn’t plot the stories out. He starts chapter one without any real idea where the story will take us. ‘If it isn’t a surprise for me, how can I expect it to be a surprise for the reader?’ he said. I love that. It is painfully close to my own writing method. My son Jon tells me I write into the dark. I like that expression because that is how it always feels.

Anyway. If ever you find yourself at the airport in Kuwait City forced to choose between James Patterson and Lee Child, do yourself a favour. Pick Jack. Every time. 

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com 

Hotels: How to get five star ratings from English guests: (A Guide for Hoteliers) [2 Dec 2022]

We English are a stoic lot. We’re not supposed to complain. The stiff upper lip and all that. ‘Mustn’t grumble,’ is a saying we all learned at our mothers’ knees; and so, on the whole, we put up with stuff. But here are some tips for hotel bosses who might be wondering why their English guests never award them five stars on TripAdvisor. It is a short but simple list, and it all relates to breakfast. The English, you see, can overlook noisy bedrooms, cool showers, and lumpy pillows; but breakfast is sacrosanct to us; and so, when you next muse over your unhelpful run of three-star reviews, give some thought to ways you might at least improve your ratings from the Anglo-Saxon customers.

Number 1: Tea

I’ve stayed in a good many hotels around the world – and barely any have a clue how to serve tea (there was a very good hotel in New Delhi that did it excellently – but that was about it.) So here goes:

                           I.          The Pot: Tea is brewed in a teapot. A china teapot. Not a metal pot. Not a mug or a cup. Not a fat earthenware vessel. A glass pot will do if it’s all you have. But fine bone-china is preferred. One pot will do for one person. It should accommodate enough tea for two full cups. For two people travelling as a couple, a large pot that holds four cups is fine for afternoon tea, but at breakfast give them a pot each.

                          II.          Water: Soft water is better if you have it. And the water must be boiling when you add it to the tea. Actually bubbly steamily scarily boiling. Not simply hot. (American hotels invariably bring a mug of warm water and a teabag. I would immediately and without remorse deduct two stars from any review for this. Possibly three. It is unforgivable.)  

                        III.          Additional water: an additional pot of boiling water should also be provided. So yes, you need two pots for your solitary English guest. Don’t scowl. This is how it’s done. The guest will add water to the pot (see item I above) to adjust the strength of the tea and to allow for a third cup, if needed (which it usually is).

                        IV.          The tea: tea bags are ok. Pyramid tea bags are better than flat ones. Leaf tea is better still, but even we English know we have to make some concessions. But horrible Lipton’s yellow-label tea bags won’t do. Nor will Tetley’s US brands. They’re probably designed to make iced tea. They make vile tea at breakfast. So do most cheap teas. Dig into your budgets and get some decent tea. You wouldn’t offer your guests cheap instant coffee so don’t offer them yellow packets of sawdust masquerading as tea.  Tea Pigs is a good place to start. Or Whittards. Other good quality brands are available. Two tea bags in the pot please. You will need the following teas: English Breakfast (or Yorkshire) tea, Assam, Earl Grey, Darjeeling. You might also want to offer Ceylon tea, and Lapsang Souchon. Don’t run out. And by all means have decaf and herbal infusions too. Some people like them.

                         V.          Milk: should always be available in a small jug.

                        VI.          Cups: at home we all drink tea in mugs. In hotels we want cups and saucers. Sorry

We’ll accept self-service tea so long as the water is boiling and teapots etc are provided as above. But tea delivered to the table is better.

Number 2: Toast

Nobody in the world likes those dreadful conveyor-belt toasters that blaze away for three hours during hotel breakfasts, using as much power as a medium sized nuclear plant. This opinion isn’t limited to your English guests. The machines simply don’t work. Feed your slices in once and you end up with warm bread. Send them around a second time and you get cinders. Consign these devices to the skip and replace them with two or three sensible double pop-up toasters.  Then:

                           I.          Butter: abandon those nasty little pats of butter that you have to unwrap. They don’t have enough butter for a single slice. Provide pots of butter for each table. I’ll bet it’s cheaper. It will certainly be more popular.

                          II.          Marmalade: It may only be the English that like marmalade; but boy, do we like it. You will earn so much respect and admiration from your English guests if you provide a decent marmalade – I can’t begin to tell you. Not apricot jam. Not lemon marmalade. Or lime. True orange marmalade is an invention of the gods and essential at breakfast. Best served in a pot with a teaspoon for big gloopy servings  – but even it if comes in a tiny annoying jar that’s ok. So long as you let me have three.

                        III.          Marmite: Famously we don’t all like it. But those of us who do will love you for providing it. And you’ll win over Australians too. That’s a bonus.

Number 3: Orange juice

American hotels already do this perfectly. Cold, freshly squeezed orange, served from a jug into a tall glass. Provide other fruits if you insist – but we won’t bother with them.

And there you have it. We’ll put up with pretty much everything else. We generally enjoy your fruit salads, and your cold meats, or your pastries, or your attempts at an English breakfast. We can cope with all of them. Just get the tea and the toast and the orange juice right and you’ll send us off with a smile. And maybe we’ll give you a better review. I will.  

Please check out my website for more information on my books. https://www.johnironmonger.com